I Need to Uninstall Windows Update Assistant and They Appear to Have Hidden It

There's a good chance I'll look into that.

For now, the issue seems to be resolved, but I'm skeptical as to whether it will stay that way. After I posted this, I went into the installed updates and noticed that I had the option to uninstall an update that was dated the day I started getting bombarded with notifications about updates. I created a restore point and tried uninstalling it. When everything was said and done, it restarted with updates turned off.

Since it's the first time it started with updates turned off since the problem started, I'm going to hold off on doing anything for now. If it looks like Windows Update stays off unless I turn it on, I'll be fine with that. If it turns itself back on again at some point, I'll immediately google what you recommended.

Reinstall Windows 7 SP1 and enjoy it while you can. B4 Microsoft and all gaming developers force us to use the stupid Win 10.

Isn't that how Baltimore got screwed over?

Is this a work computer or personal computer? If you have control over what OS gets installed on it, you might try Windows 10 LTSC. I put it on my new gaming computer the other day and it's fantastic, the best Windows OS I've ever used. Basically, it's got all the good parts of Windows 10, but without forced updates, feature updates, Cortana, Windows Store, Windows apps, obtrusive telemetry, and every other non-essential part of Windows. If anyone feels like test driving it, Microsoft has free evaluation copies available on their website.

Hey, I found even better, which will free the CPU stolen by WUpdate... its Sledgehammer.

www.ghacks.net/2019/04/28/control-windows-updates-with-sledgehammer-formerly-wumt-wrapper-script/
www.majorgeeks.com/files/details/wumt_wrapper_script.html

This will remove ability to run wupdate altogether by removing its flags and groups, then it will disable the backup fixers also.
I've locked down my puny laptop which would die under wupdate when it started itself randomly every day robbing all CPU... now its running fine all the time. No updates at all, total lockdown.
Now I'll update it when I want, not when MS wants.

Agreed. One drive is the worst. It is always bitching to me about not having enough space, and its a pain in the ass to stop collecting folders to sync *shakes fist*.

I missed this until last week. I gave it a try, and have been cautiously optimistic.

It worked all week, and is still working. The only thing I haven't tested it for is if I need to re-launch it after a full restart (I suspect I do.)

Just a head's up to anyone else trying it: there are a few side effects. I realized I didn't have a copy of Adobe Reader, but it turned out that I can't download it from the Windows Store with Sledgehammer on. It probably uses the same portal as the updates. That's okay, though, since there isn't any issue with downloading it from any other source (like Adobe's website, where I got it.) It also seems to have slightly changed how the computer wakes back up after going to sleep. I have to use Ctrl Alt Delete to re-access the password and unlock it, which is a little weird, but otherwise harmless.