What did you do today in ME?

Shepard Log 1

Normandy. A higher-up's conversation you aren't suppose to eaves drop on, so you most assuredly are.

Anderson: parents have an excellent service history, war hero.... blah blah blah

Udina: I duno. Sounds like a goody two shoe. Are you sure she isn't going to ruin my future evil plans?

And: You have evil plans?

Udina: No! No! It's a proverbial saying on my home planet!

And: We're from the same planet.

Udina: It was my grandmother's saying.

And: I thought you've never visited your grandmother because you're too mean.

Udina: Look, do you want me to authorize Shepard or not?

And: Fine. Let's do this.

Normandy performs a v. cool space jump.

Nihlus: We didn't get our shredded pieces of DNA plastered all over the galaxy. Good for you.

Joker: Jerk.

Kaidan: How dare he say something nice to you.

Joker: Except I'm amazing.

Shep: Maybe he was concerned because you didn't zip your space suit coming out of the public bathroom.

Anderson interrupts.

Joker: Thanks for almost saving me from reliving a very embarrassing moment. Had you called two seconds earlier that would have been perfect. With my thanks be warned that a Turian jerk is coming your way.

And: He's already here.

Nihlus: Told ya your crew says bad stuff about me behind my back.

And: Oh great. Shepard get yourself and the guns you sleep with over here.

Shep: Sound like he lost a sandwich bet.

Kaidan: I'd be mad too if I had to give up my sandwich to Nihlus. I heard it's the special turkey one from the kitchen staff today.

Shep: I better get going before the buffet runs out of sandwiches. Er before the Captain waits too long.

Pressley: Red alert! We've been boarded by Turians!

Shep: Relax. That war has ended a hundred years ago. He's just a friendly Spectre.

Pres: Why is there a Spectre and a Captain who can feed the salvation army by selling his medals on board? I thought we were delivering newspapers door to door.

Shep: I'll go check on that. So, where's the buffet?

Shepard Log 2

Jenkins: I'll run around in circles throwing bread crumbs at the enemy to confuse them... or better yet, I'll appear out of smoke like Darkwing Duck.... but maybe!

Chakwas: It's the plans like these that make me assemble scattered limbs every day.

Shepard: I think he's onto something with the bread crumbs.

Jenk: Yeah! Nihlus once took out an entire fleet with the bread crumbs and they weren't even buttered!

Chak: I'm pretty sure that faulty recording meant big guns, not bread crumbs...

Jenk: No way! Spectres are totally awesome and above the law! They don't have to wait in line at the buffet, not even at Eden Prime.

Shep: There are sandwiches on Eden Prime?

Jenk: Sure! They're yummily grilled with cheese. It's Paradise!

Shep: At last! Someone who understands me. I hope you cowardly stay in cover and don't get shot.

Chak: .... the buffet is that way.

Shep: hmmm... This buffet everyone keeps pointing me to awfully looks like the Captain's office.

Nihlus picking turkey out his teeth: Shepard! You finally got here! We have a very long conversation ahead that will go past lunch.

Shep: Damn... Did you take over the Captain's office and his right to boss everyone around aside from the sandwich?

Nihlus: No. He's on his way to agree with everything I say.

Shep: What were you going to say?

Nihlus: After considering that humans are loud, smelly, horribly invasive, always forgetting to zip their space suits.... 30 minutes later, but also great at shooting impossible things, you've become a highly honoured candidate to be the 1st human Spectre ever.

Anderson coming from the washroom: Say yes! This will give us the chance to stick our noses into Council business more often.

Shep: Does the ceremony involve bathing naked in the Presidium fountain with the Korgans?

Nihlus: Not officially.

Shep: What's the catch then?

Nih: I get to follow you around and nick your sandwiches until you're good enough.

Shep: Nobody nicks my food!

Nihlus completely ignoring her: You can start by retrieving the Beacon from Eden Prime.

Shep: Bacon?

Nihlus: The Prothean built Beacon .

Shep: Were Protheans great cooks?

Nihlus: They were the people who built the giant slingshots that toss you around the galaxy.

Urgent message from Eden Prime. We see Ashley shooting at the giant, purple shrimp in the sky. The bullets don't reach that high, but she looks heroic.

Shep: A one star sea food restaurant has come to eliminate competition!

And: Let's get them!

Jenk: Can we come with the Spectre?

Nih: You aren't cool or stylish enough.

Shep: What's wrong with my pink and orange zebra suit?

Nih: Ugh! My eyes!

Nihlus falls out of the airlock and pretends it was on purpose.

Shep: Hey falling onto the planet all by yourself in no fun. What if someone betrays and shoots you in the back?

Kaidan: How can anyone betray him when he's alone?

Anderson kicks them out the airlock too.

Shepard Log 3

Shep: Ewww! Smells like burned soy sauce!

Picks up some dirt and licks it.

Kaidan: What are you doing?

Shep: Captain said to taste the terrain.

Kaidan grabs Jenkins by the scruff of the neck so he doesn't do the same: I think he meant test.

Jenkins: Unidentified shooting objects. Chaaaarge!!

Shep: Nooo! He loved the sandwiches almost as much as I did! Let's honourably bury him next to the BBQer after we save the Bacon.

Nihlus: Investigating some ruins.

Shep: Hey Nihlus, are you there? Are you lonely? Let me tell you about my hand soap collection.

Nihlus: pssshhh pshhh I think there is too much static! Bye!

Ashley shooting the Geth: This is for everyone's favourite poodle Puffy! And this is for raiding my nail polish cabinet!

Shep: That is a serious offence! I always carry at least five bottles. One for each finger. Wanna see?

Kaidan: I already shot the Geth.

Ashley: No wander the Quarians wanted to exterminate them. These slaves are out of control putting people on spikes.

Shep: Maybe they're Ivan the Terrible Cult?

Ash: Hope the scientists didn't become this shish kebab. They may know stuff.

Kaidan: Oh look a trailer.

Shep: Knock, Knock!

Warren: Are you the Geth?

Shep: No! You're suppose to say, 'who's there?'

Warren: Fine. Who's there?

Shep: Butter!

Warren: Butter who?

Shep: Butter be quick! We have to find the bacon.

Warren lets them in: Your Beacon along with every valuable shred of information was moved.

Manuel is digging a hole in the ground. There is a bottle with a note inside next to him.

Shep: What is he doing?

Manuel: Leaving a message for the future!

Kaidan: Won't it be easier to find your message if you didn't bury it in the ground?

Manuel: I must hide it from them! I've seen them! The robed wraiths riding on the flame mounts! We're all doooooomed! Dooomed!

Shep: Have you seen a Turian?

Manuel: He's their boss and we're DOOOMED!

Shep: Nihlus didn't tell me that he has a flying fire horse! I also want a fire horse!

Manuel slips on the bottle and gets knocked out.

Shep stomps off to find Nihlus who is sneaking up on an intruder: Saren? Weren't you on vacation in Hawaii?

Saren: Nah! I've decided to join the Geth instead.

Nihlus sheathing his gun: Good one!

Saren shoots him.

Shepard Log 4

Shep: Whoa! That huge shrimp restaurant is on the move!

Ash: What do we do?

Shep: What we always do. Shoot everything in sight.

Kaidan: There's something behind the crates.

Shep: Can I shoot it too?

Powell: Don't shoot! I'm just a lazy sod napping on duty. I saw where the beacon went.

Ash grumbling: We should have shot him anyway.

Saren is hugging a Geth and staring into the sunset: Once upon a time when we were young, Nihlus and I got ice cream. I dropped mine and Nihlus finished his. Ever since I hated all peaceful villages. Let's blow this place.

Kaidan: It's a bomb!

Ash: There are four bombs!

Kaidan: Shepard are you disabling them while we're covering for you?

Shep: Just a minute! I scratched a nail!

Ash: Are you painting your nails? We don't have that minute.

Shepard drops the nail polish bottle into the bomb which hisses and breaks down.

Shep: Noo! Now I have to decide if I want two nails green or blue!

Kaidan: Oh look! There's the beacon! Nothing will happen if I casually approach it.

Shep pushes him out of the way: It's obviously an oven with bacon inside! I think I've seen a similar one belonging to my granny.

Shepard pulls the outer panel off and begins crisscrossing the various wires.

Beacon: Mmmmpfhh? What do you want?

Shep: Where are you hiding the bacon?

Beacon: I can unlock the secrets of the universe for you if you just leave me alone.

Shep: BACON. NOW!

In the background we hear Saren moan because now he'll never find out where that special type of ice cream was sold which he dropped.

Dr Cha wakes Shepard up by waving a sandwich under her nose and then proceeds to eat it.

Shep: That sneaky beacon made no sense! It kept mumbling something useless about the intergalactic war and never told me where to find the bacon!

Cha: Slow down or you'll choke on air. I've detected some abnormality in your brain after you talked to the ancient Prothean thingy.

Kaidan: Pretty sure that abnormality was there before.

Anderson: We need to tell the Council that Saren is a turncoat.

Shep: Sounds like he has a terrible fashion sense. Maybe we should also tell them that he shot Nihlus too!

Kaidan: A turncoat is...

Shep: Someone who wears their coat inside out. Let's go kick some ass!

Kaidan: You know... I'm kinda glad you didn't blow up with the beacon. That is! There isn't enough space next to the BBQer!

Shep: Thanks! Is that a dustball?

Cha: I sure got hoodwinked into this job by sexy abs and heroic eyes.

Shep: Does this mean you know some secrets about everyone you heal? Tell me something about Kaidan.

Cha: Doctor, patient, confidentiality.

Shep: I'll tell Anderson you have a big crush on him.

Cha: The L2 implants have iffy effects on people. If you clap your hands like this, Kaidan will start singing.

Shep: How do you get him to stop?

Cha: You hit him with a chair.

Shep: No wander he complains about headaches.

Ash: My enhanced sense of angst says I feel bad about taking over Jenkins' post.

Shep: Will you make me a grilled cheese sandwich in his memory?

Ash: Yes Mam! I'll even eat it for you!

Shepard goes looking for Joker and ends up in the cargo bay.

Supplier: Welcome. I'm the guy who gets stuff for the crew.

Shep: Wooho!! Shopping spree! I would like ten bottles of nail polish, seven with sparkles, three hair sprays, twelve lipsticks...

Supplier: Mam, I'm not sure this is authorized Alliance equipment.

Shepard not listening to him: ...two hair curlers, two hair straighteners, and high heels! Wait let me find my shoe list...

Supplier: I should have said I'm a stowaway.

Shepard Log 5

Joker: Look at me impressively pressing buttons to fly around the Citadel in circles!

Shepard drooling: Look at all these stores!

Joker: Didn't you just buy 176 useless items?

Shep: Shoes! You can never have enough shoes!

Normandy cuts off the biggest Alliance ship into parking.

Joker: PWND!

Udina yelling at the Council holograms: I demand you revoke Saren's right to cut in line!

Council: Based on the unrecorded testimony of an asshole who was supposedly sleeping and therefore should not have seen anything with his eyes closed? And you complain we don't take you seriously.

Anderson: Sounds like you're doing a great job representing humanity.

Udina: Hurray! Lower ranking people I can take out my insignificance on. You all suck and failed the mission. Appreciate me getting you audience with the Council.

Ash: Politicians. They're great!

Kaidan: Your sarcasm can poison the entire rat population on Citadel.

Shep: Oh lookie an unsupervised computer at an important office. Haxors.

Ash: Whoa patrols going missing.

Kaid: Are we going to stick our noses into everything?

Shep: Yup!

Receptionist: Shepard Commander, if you go left....

Shep: For someone who has a cool spy phone in front of her, you sure give lots of boring instructions.

Kaidan: Yeah, it's not like we need to listen to them. We never get lost.

Ash: Now who's being sarcastic.

Avina: I also give directions. I'm authorized to praise the Council to the skies and not programmed to criticize them.

Shep: Let me teach you political jokes.

Asari Councillor crashes on an uninhabited planet. A year later when she gets rescued the crew finds three buildings in the area.
'What are those for?' they ask.

Asari: One is my house. The other is the Embassy I attend. And the third is the lesser species Embassy I ignore.

Avina: My Matrix are destabilising. Emergency shutdown.

Kaidan: I didn't know they were programmed to lie.

Volus Ambassador: Humans are like bugs. No one knows which hole they crawled out of, nor how to put them back.

Xul: Hey, I've got problems too. This consort keeps slandering me.

Shep: Awesome! A talking skunk and an elephant.

VA: Ignorant human. I'm Volus.

Shep: Nice to meet you skunk Volus.

VA: umm... There is another skunk Volus down at the bank.

Elcor Embassador: Stares Accusingly.

VA: What? He totally ripped me off and sold me candy without the wrappers.

Shep: For real! There is another talking skunk!

Shady Banker: I help others make valuable deals.

Shep: Do you provide information when your stomach gets poked?

SB: No!

Shep: poke... poke... poke...

SB: I'll tell you where to get the best hairpins!

Emporium Shopkeeper: He....

Shep: It's the best jellyfish I've seen all day! Now about those hairpins....

ES: ...LL

Shepard Log 6

Ash: Hey look, a buttons poking cricket.

Shep starts tap dancing around it: Ahoy cricket! Can we talk? Can I tie a pink bow into your hair? I think pink looks smashing with bold green!

Avina: Please don't bother the Keepers.

Shep: Great! You're back! Let me tell you more jokes.

Kaidan: I think that monument is talking to me.

Ash: I need to get decontaminated. The sooner the better.

Consort Assistant: Welcome. Would you like a mind blowing neck massage 3 months from now?

Shep: I can't remember appointments five minutes from now. How about next Sunday? This Sunday? Volus Labour Day? ... one hour later... 30 seconds from now?

CA: FINE! FINE!

Shep: Sorry, I can't wait that long.

Consort: Just let her in already.

Shep: Hey, this place could use some fuchsia chequered curtains.

Consort: I need a person of your persuasion level to tell this old pervert to stop talking nonsense about me.

Shep: Do I get a sandwich if I do that?

Consort: I can give up unimaginable pleasure and knowledge.

Shep: SAND-WICH!

Fred: I have seen the Consort's assets!

Shep: Just how far were you when you've seen them?

Fred: On the other side of the Citadel.... and she was clothed... and I had a telescope... in my dream.

Kaidan: I think there is some shady info about a biotic cult running amok.

Shep: Great! Let's go look through the C-sec correspondence. There must be something there.

Pallin: Oh look another human cutting in line to get into my office. You're suppose to wait 2000 years like all the other races. I bet you're a Spectre candidate too.

Shep: Soo.... some C-sec are bad and this makes all of them good. And some Spectres are bad and this makes all of them bad?

Pallin: Go bother the Council.

A bartender on the way to the Council: Would you like some useful directions?

Shep: What? No booze? You're the most boring bartender ever.

Ash in the elevator: So... we're suppose to trust Udina to pass our reports to the Council?

Kaidan: I bet he reads them.

Shep: We were suppose to write a report? I just played tic-tac-toe.

Udina five hours ago: How the heck do you decrypt this secret code?

Shep: A sexy Turian ahead.

Garrus: There were Saren's fingerprints on the bomb from Eden Prime.

Pallin: The bomb that blew up after it was disabled?

Everyone stares at Shepard.

Shep: I was trying to crack a walnut.

Pallin: If you weren't good at your job, you'd be fired. Now get your ass back to work and forget Saren.

Garrus: Riiight... hope you guys have better luck. You don't want to keep the Council waiting.

Shep: If they don't want to be kept waiting, why did they put so many stairs on the way to their office?

Kaidan: Someone must be hiding insecurities if they need to inflate self-importance that much.

Saren looking smugger than Dr Evil's cat: And here is the picture of me hugging bunnies in Hawaii and feeding the pigeons....

Anderson: I have the doctor's note. You're allergic to bunnies.

Saren: The guy who always fails at accusing me and with his equally failsome student. Someone sticks their fingers into a socket and has a hallucination, which supposedly makes me evil.

Council: Saren's version does sound legit.

Shep: Did Nihlus and the other Spectres ever tease you as the Council Pet?

Ander: I bet that's why he shot Nihlus.

Council: We've had enough of this nonsense. Udina go stand in the naughty corner.

Saren smirks: See ya suckers.

Shepard Log 7

Anderson: How come he always uses the pigeons photos to shift the blame?

Shep: Sounds like you have experience.

And: You know how they said you'd be the first Spectre, well, you won't really be the first. They wanted me as a Spectre, but Saren dumped me into a lot of pigeon poop to ensure that doesn't happen.

Shep reloading the gun: I can interrogate those pigeons.

And: I'd rather you interview this list of useful people who can prove his evil intentions.

Shep: Right. But let's not discount the pigeons.

Chorban: If I could just inconspicuously crawl under the Keeper and take a shot of his thigh...

Shep: Oh! Oh! A stalker photographer! I'm good at posing!

Chorban: I'll give you candy if you photographs all the Keepers on the station.

Kaidan: Let's not address the issue how that's illegal.

Shep: Deal!

Preacher: And so the Enkindler came and...

Shep: A talking jellyfish telling sea stories! I love sea stories! Have you heard about the Little Mermaid? Let me tell you about it. I'm great at imitating Sebastian's voice! We can also go out for sushi. Do you like sushi?

Preacher: A divine voice in my head says I have an appointment on the other side of the galaxy. Bye!

Shep: Anderson said to dig up dirt on Saren. This info trader Barla Von he mentioned sure looks like the skunk I know.

BV: It's YOU! The Shadow Broker called Saren a big meany who won't play tag with him anymore and sent a Krogan with bullets to tag the right people! The info is FREE! FREE due to exceptional circumstances. Be gone now!

Shep entering Chlora's Den: Whoo! Party! And a General dripping snot all over a table.

Kaidan: Surely, no woman is worth that much snot.

Ash: Shows you never had a girlfriend.

Septimus: I probably won't either unless this mess gets cleaned up. I just need someone else to clean it. I done goofed framing the Consort.

Shep: What do you know, Xeltan thinks she's the one who revealed his embarrassing secrets and you've done shifting through Elcor dirty laundry all on your own.

Ash: Now that we're in the middle of the soap opera, how about we also investigate a despicable drunk in the corner.

Harkin: WoooF!!! What an ass! I bet it wants to join me!

Shep: Before you get even drunker with some donkey, we need to know where Garrus is. But make sure you put roller blades onto the donkey before the booze. Then you can ride naked through the hallways.

Harkin: I bet that would put an entire c-sec in an uproar. Fun itself can't pull the regulations stick out of their asses. They suspend anyone related to it without pay.

Shep: What a nice guy. I wander why Anderson said that he got fired.

Harkin: Said the guy who got kicked out of the Spectres and keeps failing to blame Saren for it.

Ash: I think it's lunch time. When was the last time you've tasted a knuckle sandwich?

Harkin: Garrus went that way.

Shepard Log 8

Emily Wong: Hello, pesky journalist here trying to make the station a better place! How about you do all my work and investigate a corruption lead. This will make us both enough credits to get lots of shoes!

Shep: Shoes? I love shoes! Let's do this!

Expat: I've been warned about this customer...

Shep: I want to try on this and this and this and this! I'll need to re-paint my nails to check whether they'll be suitable with this.... Why don't we just re-pain the entire item!

Expat: It's a Krogan assault rifle.

Shep: And it doesn't sparkle pink!!

Expat: It's been a long time since I've heard from my contact on Feros. Maybe I should have gotten lost with him.

Conrad: omgomgomomg! It's Commander Shepard! Can I iron your shoes laces? Collect dust from your footprints? Take a picture?

Shep: Picture? I love pictures!

Conrad four hours later: Noo! The camera battery is low!

He rushes to get a new one, trips and rolls down the ramp to disappear.

Kaidan and Ashley wake up from the noise and pretend they didn't drool on each other.

Shep: I think I hear yelling from the med bay where Garrus should be.

Thug: I'll just take a hostage like a pro.

Shep: Pros don't take hostages. Pros jump out the windows with the hostages.

The hostage aka Doc Michelle: I like his plan better!

Shep: And then there should be an accomplice waiting outside in the flying car! How come all of your accomplices are in here with you?

Garrus perfect head shots the thug and the rest jump out the window but they look lame anyway.

Dr Mich: That's what I get for semi-illegally saving a wounded Quarian and putting her in touch with the Shadow Broker's lackey.

Garrus: You mean the turncoat lackey who now works for Saren and who's about to become toothpaste because SB hired a Krogan to beat him up?

Shep: Let's meet that Krogan! I always wanted a Krogan to follow me around with a big gun!

Kaidan: This team just got a lot safer.

Shep to Xel: I have great news for you. You look like an ass for believing in slander that the Consort gave away your secrets.

Xel: Gratitude.

Consort reading a note: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Consorts are sexy, And so are you.

Shep: Yeah, yeah, I'm honoured the General is honoured that you accept his apology. Now about that sandwich.

Consort: I have something better than a sandwich!

Shep: You DO?

Consort: A gift of words.

Shep: Bummer...

Later.

Shep: THAT WAS BORING. I WANT A BAR FIGHT!

Fist's random bodyguard: I just had this weird shiver and remembered my mom's last words to become a gardener.

Shepard Log 9

Fist's worker: Um... I have this pistol in a trembling hand and I'm pointing it at you.

Shep: Have you ever considered a career in gardening?

Dead bodyguard: I'd accept that offer.

Fist's workers run off in a cloud of dust: Better gardeners than fertilizers!

Fist: Who needs bodyguards when they've got turrets?

Left Turret to the Right Turret: How come there isn't a window we can jump out of?

Fist: Don't hurt me! All I've done was set up that Quarian on a blind date with Saren's men! How could I stand in the way of love?

Shep: Eww! Aren't his contacts always covered in pigeon poop? Must save Quarian from horrible fate!

Garrus: What about this guy?

Shep: Didn't some Krogan want to make him toothpaste?

Garrus: Good point.

Contact grabby hands: You're hawt! How about you give me the info and then just give me?

Tali: How about I shoot you in the reproduction organs?

Shep: Way ahead of ya!

Tali: I suppose this is a good moment to tell you that I've extracted info from a dead geth which reveals Saren faking the photographs with bunnies and pigeons.

Shep: Even the Council will have to admit how his posture is terrible!

Anderson: Let's go listen to Udina yell at them.

Udina: I demand you send 63 flotillas, 9 fire trucks and Chuck Norris to arrest Saren! He must scrub floors every night in all restaurants on Citadel to make up for his crimes!

Council: uh huh For a puny, non-contributing civilization you sure make lots of demands. Do you know how much money Chuck Norris will ask for?

Councillor A: Was that Benezia in one of the shots?

Shep: That sounds like a nasty skin rash.

Councillor A: That sounds like a Matriarch biotic who can blow a hole in the wall with your body before her followers feed you to the crickets.

Shep: Ewww! Whoever would want bugs following them to use as garbage disposal? Does this mean she has to cuddle them so they'd stay? Tuck them in at night? Read a bedtime story?

Udina: Let's just make Shepard a Spectre and you won't have to pay Chuck Norris.

Anderson: What about those Reaper thingies?

Shep: GASP! I know what that beacon was mumbling about! The Conduit it like a toilet plug! If Saren pulls it open...

Council: How many times do we have to say, we don't accept hallucinations as evidence! Take your Spectre status and get out!

Shepard Log 10

Garoth and Admiral Kahoku: Cool! A person of influence. Time dump our problems on the new Spectre.

Wrex looking like he just punched a black hole in space: YOU!! DID YOU JUST TAKE AWAY MY CHANCE TO MOOSH SOME GUY INTO FINE EAR WAX?

Kaidan: Is this going to end like the bar fight?

Wrex: Bar fight? I LOVE bar fights! I'll pay you to come with you and I'll beat you until you become tax deductible if you don't agree.

Shepard with divine music playing in the background: I'll call you Wrecks.

Wrex: I AM Wrex!

Shep: Wanna see my new Krogan Assault Rifle?

Samesh: I hate to interrupt your weaponry drooling, but there are lunatics working for the government who abduct bodies.

Ashley: OMG! You're that guy whose wife from my military unit used to play home videos about! How did you manage to get two ferrets inside your pants?

Shepard: Heeelloooo... hellloooo! I didn't really count but there are about seven at the bar....

Clerk: Seven what?

Shep: Bodies of course! I've been told you collect bodies. Now if you check the back alley as well....

Samesh two minutes later: I got my wife's body back even if I had to listen to lots of embarrassing stories about myself.

Emily: That's awesome how you got Fist's files! Someone can make a fortune just following you around and describing how you brush your teeth.

Shep: Would you like to do an interview about that? I love interviews! I can also show you my shoe collection...

Udina: I have a plan how you're going to do all the work and I'll boss you around. Benezia has a daughter who digs old ruins and we found pigeon droppings on Noveria. Gotto know why Saren was skulking about.

Shep: Won't I need a ship?

Udina: You can have Anderson's ship.

Shep: What about Anderson?

Udina: I have a nice job reserved for him. An office next to the bathroom at the back of the ventilation system. It has a desk, lots of papers, dust and some ink.

Anderson: Don't I at least get a modern pen?

Udina: We're on a budget. Sacrifices must be made. Now get going and don't you dare screw up or I'll look stupid.

Shepard making abbreviation notes: screw up udina look stupid

Joker: So... instead of Anderson you're in charge now? Not that it sounds like any sort of accusation, complaint, goodbye to sanity...

Shepard: Is this the main comm system? poke poke Helloooo? Can anybody hear me? Who wants to know why Saren blew up our favourite sandwich stand on Eden Prime? Let's find the toilet plug he's looking for and boldly eat lunch where no man ate lunch before!

Pressley: Why did I spend most of my life being told that shooting aliens is good only to end up on a ship filled with them?

Shep: Without aliens who's going to help us get out and push if the ship runs out of fuel?

Pressley: Out of fuel? Wait... does that happen to you often?

Shepard Log 11

Everyone's teeth are clattering loudly because they're stuck inside Maco.

Kaidan: Aren't we the space faring civilization that has flying vehicles and stuff. How come we're using wheels to drive over every single bump on this forsaken rock?

Shep: We're suppose to avoid bumps?

Kaidan: N-n-n-n-n-n-next time I'm driving.

Ashley: There's fake distress beacon with a bunch of marine corpses around it. I think those are the Admiral's men.

Kaidan: Totally not a trap. Let's approach them as quickly as possible.

Thresher Maw: Breakfast!

Shep: WooooW!! Someone quick take a picture while I pose next to it!

Climbing out of the Maco in a hurry, Shepard accidentally steps on the rockets launchers and blows up the critter.

Shep: Noooo!

It's minus 500 degrees and a blizzard.

Geth toaster 1: What a lousy place for an ambush. I'm freezing my circuits off.

Toaster 2: Do you see anything?

Shepard taps one on the back: Excuse me, friendly fauna, we're looking for the Majesty's crew.

Toasters 3 and 4: Kill them!

Ash 30 mins later: Look, a cozy bunker surrounded by cannons and a satellite dish.

Mercenary 1: Who turned off the TV signal? I wasn't done watching Ghost Busters.

Shep walks in and shakes some leftover cannon remnants from her boots.

Merc 2: Maybe we should let these pass?

Kaidan: Hey, there is Capt William's body and a data pad next to it.

Merc 1 looking over Shepard's shoulder: What does it say?

Shep: If you're reading this, shoot the merc behind your back...

Geth 1 badly imitating distress signal: pssshh.. pwdzt... pshh.. we need help!

Geth 2: You suck at this. Who would fall for a trap like that?

Shepard: So.... which one of you needs rescuing?

Planet 1: Your electronics skill is too low.

Planet 2: Your electronics skill is too low.

Planet 3: Your electronics skill is too low.

Shepard: Why do I have to drag around the wimpy and unsexy helmet head to unlock these?

Shepard back on the station: Sorry everyone, everyone you sent me to find is dead. Now... to go shopping.

Marlan supplies: I just had this weirdest spike creep up my spine.

Conrad: Commander! There you are! I found a spare battery!

Shep: Awesome! I found 37 new guns! I need lots of pictures with each!

Shepard Log 13

Garrus: Hey look, a device that disrupts signals and causes innocent ships to crash.

Shep: I thought it was a gumball machine and shot it because it didn't give me candy.

Tali: Pries another lock open and gets kicked out of the party with Garrus.

Shep: Eeeeek! It's a bunker full of nasty, growling husks!

Wrex: Hey Shepard, how about some shooting?

Shep: Nobody move. I dropped my grenades belt!

Kaidan: Don't tell me I'm standing on a grenade.

Shep: Nope. A husk next to you is.

Kaidan: I'm going to need some healing after this.

Shep: It's your lucky day! I'm the doctor!

Wrex: It's true. Her file says: sentinel.

Kaidan jumps up without unity and runs ahead: I'm alive! I'm alive! Please don't heal me!

Shep: I'm a motivational leader.

Wrex three Cerberus bunkers later: Lots of assholes dead. That's my type of mission.

Shep: Dammit! They shot the maintenance guy for my foot massage tub!

Wrex: At least they left behind the porn collection.

Shadow Broker Rep: The Admiral gave us IOU note regarding the valuable info you got from the Cerb bunker.

Shep: You mean the porn?

SBR: SB never tells me what he watches. We'll give you a free spa certificate for it.

Shep: Nah.

SBR: A tour to Wanderland? Five billion galactic credits?

Shep: I like what I've got more.

SBR: Give us the porn!

Shep: It's my porn now.

SBR: The boss will remember this!

Shep: You can't do anything about this, can you.

Blackmailer: Give me your toothpaste, a set of lock picks and fuzzy house slippers.

Dr Mich: I got this under control, giving away all med supplies to blackmailers so my shady charity past doesn't come to light.

Kaidan: Why am I wearing a pink armour suit like Ashley's?

Wrex: Shut up. I like mine.

Shepard Log 14

Morlan pointing at Krogan: OMG! It's You! I mean. It's HIM! He did it. He's the blackmailer.

Krogan BM: Leave it to idiots to screw things up.

Shep: Leave it to idiots to steal candy from babies and their medical supplies.

Krogan BM: wth I'm out of here. That's against my code, which Banes didn't tell me. I charge way more for stealing candy from babies.

Shep: Who is Banes?

Morlan: Dr Mich knows.

Dr Mich: Anderson knows.

Anderson: Kahoku knows.

Wrex: You mean that dead guy from the Cerb bunker?

Shep: I knew I should have started this conversation with shooting.

Conrad: I have a GREAT idea!

Kaidan: To pour shampoo into your ears?

Conrad: We can join forces! I can be the second human Spectre!

Shep: But who will complete my picture catalogue then? It should take you only twelve more years.

Conrad: Good point. I'll go home and make my wife happy by telling her about this important task.

Requisition Officer: Let me open the special Spectre stock for you.

Wrex: She's not moving. Should I hit her with a piano?

Kaidan: I think she's stuck in the happy sunshine and cloud land.

Noveria Approach Control: Normandy, identify yourselves and then go away.

Joker: The last 77 times we've heard that line, we did not go away.

Matsuo: Just because you've landed doesn't mean I won't tell you to hold it right there.

Shep: Why? Do I have gum on my shoe?

Stirling: You'll have a bullet in your brain unless you hand over your guns.

Shep: Dang and I hoped I could peel blueberry bubble gum off my shoe and chew it.

Parasini: You can let them in with their guns, Stirling. It's not like they're going to shoot you.

Ashley: It sounds like you need an Asari lawyer around here to be allowed to fart or the corporate organisations will bury you.

Parasini: Pretty much. If you're looking for an entirely non-suspicious Asari Matriarch who travels with the commando bodyguards so armed to the teeth that even their guns have guns, and carries a box so secret that our scanners can't penetrate it, then she went to Peak 15.

Opold: This one wants you to do some smuggling.

Shep: This one obliges after you show me a human size mirror and every item you're selling.

Shepard Log 15

Mallene: Snubbing people is the best way to get help from them. Hey you there, give yourself a favour, approach that man and hack his tool while pretending to be the buyer.

Shep: Buyer? I love buying! What am I buying?

Mallene: Express interest in Binary Helix.

Shep: Is that a new brand of salami?

Mallene: No!

Shep: Pizza? Grilled Sandwich? Raspberry Jellies?

Mallene: It's not edible!

Shep: Meh... not buying it.

Lorik: Don't mind me in the corner. I'm just managing the bar while the corrupt Administrator's hired thugs ransack my office to destroy the evidence which incriminates him.

Shep: Can I help you?

Lorik: Yeah, go shoot the thugs and bring me the evidence.

Shep: I meant with the booze, but that works too.

Inamorda: Piss off or I'll drink your blood with cinnamon.

Shep: Is that an orgy invitation?

Inamorda: No, a ticket to the reading club.

Shep: In that case, I gtg deliver this smuggled package to the jellyfish man.

Inamorda: Wait, I'll pay you for the package and tell you about our previous orgy.

Wrex: I like where this is going.

Shep reading: Dear Doc. They're onto you. Evacuate immediately.

Kaidan: Does she read anything aside from the illegally obtained correspondence?

Wrex: Candy wrappers.

Litnirax: Not to discourage anyone from travel, but there is a blizzard at Peak 15 that can turn your ass into ice cream in seconds.

Shep: Great! I can lick Kaidan's ass.

Kaidan: Wait! We can't go! We don't have the garage pass!

Shep: I bet this guy has the pass.

Litnirax: Uh... the washing machine ate mine.

Shep: The washing machine eats my socks. I even have a giant ball collection of the singular socks. I'll show them to you later.

Kaidan: Phew... she bought it.

Shepard Log 16

ERCS corrupt guard: Hold it right there!

Shep: All I want are the documents from that computer to put the guy paying you into jail.

ERCS: Then we don't get paid! DIE!

Wrex reloading his shotgun: There went your chance to pretend being the girl scouts selling cookies.

Stirling: Cop killers! Prepared to be shot, hung and then given a wedgie!

Shep: Isn't it hanged?

Kaidan: No, the laundry gets hanged. I think they just want to hang as in lynch you.

Stirling: The laundry gets lynched for all I care. Just get them!

Wrex reloading his guns: There went their chance as well.

Parsini: None of my business why so many bodies are lying around. Wanna meet me at the bar so I can take advantage of you?

Shep: I'll bring fuzzy handcuffs after I pay the long delayed visit to the Administrator.

Five mins later.

Shep: Hey, have you seen Saren?

Administrator: You mean the deeply respected investor around here unlike nobody such as you? By the way, you owe me a trillion credits for wasting two minutes of my life.

Matsuo: Weird how nobody showed up for the garbage cleaning duty at lunch. Did you shoot some of my people?

Shep: Do you mean the fake girl scouts?

Matsuo: How many times do I have to tell them not to take side jobs.

Para: Allow me to re-introduce myself. I'm Bond. James Bond.

Shep: OMG! I love JB! Can I put ice cubes into your Martini?

Para: I want you to get Lorik to testify instead.

Lorik: Hey Spectre, did you do as I said?

Wrex: No. But she wants you to do as she says. You're testifying.

Anoleus: Hey, the Spectre I am mistaken for a low pay employee at whom I can yell, I demand you arrest this agent dragging me off to jail!

Shep: James Bond says you're under arrest and that I don't owe you a trillion credits any longer.

Parasini: Here's your pass.

Kaidan flops on the floor: Oh the pain! I can't go on. My hair roots hurt, I have Vorcha chicken pox, amnesia and I need a nap.

Shep: A nap sounds serious. I'll take Ashley instead.

Ash: I hate you Kaidan.

Wrex: Ready for butt licking? I mean kicking.

Ash: I hate you both.

Shepard Log 17

Geth: Yo, this tank is ours! We've spent whole 30mins polishing it.

Shep: Whoops, I pulled the trigger before they checked tire pressure.

Mats: What did you do again?

Ash: What you should have done when Benezia packed a horde of geth into her oh so innocent cargo.

Mats: Oh shit. There must be a hundred of them running unchecked now.

Shep: Can I shoot them all with this spiffy tank?

Kaidan wakes up to the sound of explosions: Why am I here?

Ash: Wrex went to the bathroom and she didn't have the patience to wait.

Kaidan: Do you think she remembers about the licking plan?

Shep: Wheee! I found another grenade!

Ash: Sometimes bad memory is mercy.

Mira: This is artificial intelligence speaking. We're screwed.

Rachni: Rawr!

Shep throwing random objects: Eeek! Bugs! Yucky bugs!

Mira: Kindly squish a thousand more of those to get to the manual overwrite and fix me.

Ash: I don't think my eardrums will last that long.

System: Please insert 100 omni gel or use your brain to fix me.

Shep: Is it ok that I've traded the omni-gel for shoes?

Kaidan: Can I try it? I'd like to get out of here before I die of old age and then die of old age.

Shep: Nah. I got it.

Shepard starts crossing random blocks and singing loudly:
In a dark slimy tunnel, rachni bugs in my hair
Stinky smell of the chemicals, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
Stop breathing them in Kaidan said, your head is not right.

System: Hidden self-fixing system activated. You may proceed far away from me.

Shep: hmm This place doesn't use enough scent candles. Maybe a walk on the rooftop will make me feel better.

Ash: I've got a bad feeling about this one.

Five mins later Shepard cleaning the guts off her gun: Yep, totally better. Now I'm hungry. Cafeteria time.

Shep Five more mins later: Who's the merch unstoppable Gregor and did those bugs just eat my lunch?

System: Please enter decontamination chamber and hopefully don't come out.

Salarian Log: We're all gonna die! I'm gonna die! Well, I'm planning to shoot myself so I'm gonna die for sure.

Shep: Whoo! It's a train! Train! Do you guys see it! I wanna ride it!

Kaidan: Well... that's one method of transportation she hadn't crashed yet...

Shepard Log 18

Captain Ventra is shooting bugs that keep crawling upstairs: Haven't slept in 57 years. Seeing spooky hallucinations.

Kaidan: This is a spooky reality.

Shep: Can I have your elevator card? I call dibs on pressing buttons.

Kaidan: We haven't crashed that yet since the tram is done for.

Alestra: Go away! You've interrupted 300 years worth of meditation.

Shep: I know 300 various meditative sounds! Want to hear them?

Alestra: No!

Shep: Huummm..........

Petozi: Welcome to my shop.

Ash: You'll regret saying that.

Shep: Woohoo! My anti-bug stress relief!

Dr Palon: Aggh! I'm all weird, spooked and useless after the big secretive accident. So secretive that I can't say anything useful about it.

Dr Zev Cohen: So... who wants to hear about that super secret accident since the people are dying from toxin exposure and I am mistakenly assuming the company cares more about their well being than about me keeping it a big secret.

Ash: I bet you ten sandwiches it's some kind of bio weapon.

Kaidan: I bet you ten sandwiches that I won't bet against it.

Shep: Is it a bio weapon?

Dr ZC: All our secret notes are kept in the quarantine lab. The Captain keeps the place, which only crazy people would enter, under tight lock.

Ash: I bet you ten sandwiches we're going in there.

Captain Vent: If you stop telling me how you've spent your last Saturday...

Shep: But I didn't get to the part of the Vorcha butt plugs...

CV: I WILL LET YOU INTO THE LAB, but before coming out we'll be scanning you for fishy anomalies.

Kaidan: Sounds like they aren't planning on letting us out alive.

Han Olar: Oh! Oh! Oh! The outsiders I can spill all the dirty secrets to!! An egg! Eeeggg! They brought HER here!

Shep: Isn't omelette an IT?

Wimpy Scientists: Don't they stick a grenade up your butt and explode it for talking about the egg?

Shep: That's a promising theory.

WS: Why can't we be trapped with a mute type of crazy.

ERCS Guard: You wanna die in the lab? Be my guest.

Shep: These cure instructions say to mix vials.

Kaidan: I think they meant mixing the substances inside the vials, not switching the vials around.

Shep drops they vials and they form some sort of weird liquid: Done!

Ash and Kaidan crossing fingers: At least we won't be the ones to drink it.