D.A. fan is back for an ME1 Text Only 'Let's Play' (page 51)

I was leaning towards getting with Kaidan. See, when I "tested" whether or not he would try to do romance in the commons, it suddenly threw me back a couple weeks back. To that first scene on ME2 where Shepherd looks back at Kaidan and orders him to leave. I remember thinking, "This is the moment my Shepherd realizes she's in love with him." But it's too late because she dies. She's essentially reborn. And there are a lot of emotions on Horizon in ME2 but I felt that I was totally in love with him then he just... was having a problem with his Boy Scout ways and her suddenly showing up when she's supposed to be dead...and working for Cerberus. And Bioware really sucking at the dialogue options...

I head canoned that even Shepherd had doubts about really being Shepherd. Was she just a reanimated corpse? what if they'd lied about her being the original body and she was just a clone with implants? Then she met Thane. And that love she remembered in her previous life kinda got thrown out the window.  Thane was in front of her, he believed in her, and she believed in him. And they were all going to die, possibly. She certainly wasn't going to lose a chance at living when tomorrow may never come... she'd already died once, her mortality was firmly reminded in the form of multiple implants. Not to say that she thought of it as a relationship of convenience, because I am honestly feeling major feels all over Thane. 

But now Thane is gone. And he doesn't want Shepherd to be in pain. He really really doesn't, he said so and in the vids. But she is in pain. And I'm feeling it with her.  

Even if I romanced Kaidan at this point, I intend for Shepherd to die. Kaidan will lose her. I mean, unless somehow he does for Shepherd what Shepherd did for Thane...and make her want to live past this next fight.  Should I give him that chance? I don't know. 

I had planned to do a Thane in ME2 with a move to Kaidan in ME3 all along. But that was meant in glee and funsies. Now I got this whole bag of feels to go through. The video messages tore open the wound of his loss again.

And I'm beginning to think that Female Shepherd, for me, is always going to be with Thane. Next Femshep is just going to have the Thanemod so all the tragedy is removed. I can't imagine NOT giving my space lizard boyfriend lovings in his final year of life.  

Maybe I could do a full Kaidan romance with a male shep *shrugs*

Uh... but the point is, I want all the Thanemance content. So, I guess I'll do all my visits and a party as Single like I planned. And then finally make that Kaidan choice. But I don't want to miss out on Thane content. He has my heart.

So thank you for letting me know to hold out for more of it without spoiling. Is it right AFTER the party? can it be done before Horizon I guess it what I'm asking? or do I need to make my choice now?