What did you do today in ME?

Brooks: You're legends to the rest of the Alliance.

Barbie: Well, I taught this crew everything I know!

Garrus: Those are lessons we would rather soon forget.

Barbie: Oh come on, admit it, you liked my lectures about how to fart out the alphabet.

Garrus: If by 'liked your lectures' you mean 'hated them', then yes, I liked them.

Brooks: People look up to you.

Wrex: Then how come people are always shooting at us.

Barbie: Because you're fat!

Wrex: Will you quit calling me fat? And that doesn't explain why they're shooting at you.

Barbie: Haters going to hate.

Liara: Also, we tend to shoot at people who have guns. Just a thought.

Barbie: I like spelling words with spaghetti.

* * *

Barbie: What's the best way into the archives?

Brooks: The facility is located below the Wards. Maybe a direct breach for maximum surprise?

James: Sweet! I got just the bomb we can use!

Barbie: All right! Explosion time!

Brooks: You know, maybe a big explosion is not the best way--

James: Can't hear you, too busy arming the bomb.

Barbie: Blow it, Big Guy!

James: Blowing away! (explosion)

Barbie: Something about that seemed sexual.

Wrex: See you at the party, princesses!

... laser sights ...

Barbie: All right! Party on!

Unknown woman: Stop it! I have a hostage!

Barbie: All right. Who are you?

Unknown woman: (walking into light, revealing herself to be Barbie clone) I'm me!

Ashley: Oh dear god, there's two of them.

Barbie: I have a twin sister!

Garrus: I thought you were an only child.

Clone: I'm a clone actually. (jumps down)

Barbie: Superhero landing!

Clone: I know! I always wanted to do that!

Barbie: Me too!

Ashley: Kill me now.

Barbie: So why are you here?

Clone: I want to be you.

Barbie: Sure! Can I be you?

Clone: Absolutely!

Garrus: Do you think she would be as bad as Barbie?

Ashley: Hard to say. We only just met her.

Clone: Let's play Hide and Seek. I'll go hide!

Wrex: I'm getting bored. (shoots the Citadel model)

Barbie: Come on, let's go find Barbie!

Garrus: You are Barbie.

Barbie: No, she's Barbie. She's me now, remember? I'm her.

Ashley: Oh dear god.

Barbie: Glyph, help me find Barbie.

Glyph: I have found her. She is you.

Barbie: Oh my god, we switched bodies!

Garrus: This day cannot end soon enough.

Barbie: Let's split up! Spread out and find her! There's a lot of places to hide.

Ashley: I wonder if there's enough places for *us* to hide.

* * *

Barbie: Oh no, we're trapped!

Ashley: Is there an override?

Garrus: I don't see one.

Clone: Gotcha!

Barbie: This is not how Hide and Seek works!

Clone: It isn't?

Brooks: I may have changed the game.

Barbie: You!

Clone: You!

Brooks: Stop it both of you!

Ashley: Why do this?

Brooks: All we ever wanted was your Spectre Code. But then you survived the hit and brought your damned

Asari into it. So I had to tie up loose ends. But then your sexbot---

Clone: You have a sexbot!?

Brooks: ---your sexbot just had to recover the data, so here we are.

Clone: Can I play in the tubes now?

Brooks: No.

Garrus: But why go to all this trouble?

Brooks: Because somewhere along the way, you stopped fighting for humanity. You've saved more alien lives

than human lives. And when I found another you who agreed, I woke her up.

Clone: But when do we get cool aliens?

Brooks: We don't.

Clone: Can we at least keep the Turian?

Brooks: No!

Clone: (disappointed) Aww...

Brooks: Look, just put your fingerprints into the database so we can get going.

Clone: You mean cut them off?

Brooks: No you moron. Scan them into the database.

Ashley: Our Shepard seems smarter at least.

Garrus: Not that you can tell half the time.

Barbie: Is my butt really that big?

Brooks: Anyway, goodbye Commander. I should go.

Clone: Goodbye!

Brooks: No, you're coming with me.

Clone: But you said 'goodbye'.

Brooks: I said goodbye to Commander Shepard.

Clone: I'm Commander Shepard.

Brooks: I said goodbye to the *real* Commander Shepard.

Clone: I'm the real Commander Shepard!

Brooks: (grabbing the clone by the hand) Just come on.

Clone: Where are we going?

Brooks: Back to the Normandy.

Clone: Yay! Can I fly the plane?

Brooks: It's a ship, and no you can't fly it. We have a pilot that can fly it.

Clone: I can be pilot!

Brooks: You can't be a pilot, you don't know how to fly.

Clone: What if we put it on autopilot and I pretend to fly the plane?

Brooks: I'm starting to regret my life choices.

Barbie: Did she really just say "I should go"? Ha! What a stupid thing to say.

Garrus: You say that a lot.

Barbie: No I don't.

Ashley: How much air do you think we have in here?

Garrus: You say it to me like once a day.

Barbie: No I don't.

Ashley: I hope the air runs out quickly. Maybe if I hyperventalite to take up all the oxygen?

Garrus: That's a good idea, Ash.

Barbie: Don't be silly. Glyph, get us out of here. We've got a plane to catch.

Garrus: Take your time, Glyph!

Ashley: (hyperventaliting)

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


Joker: I have room for Shepard plus two.

Everyone: I want to stay here.

Barbie: Great! Garrus and Ashley, you're with me.

Garrus: Dammit.

Barbie: Wrex, give me your gun. (takes the Claymore)

Wrex: What the hell?

Barbie: Mama is going to bring the boom.

* * *

Joker: We need to stop your evil clone before she steals my ship.

Garrus: Wait. Would an evil Barbie be good Barbie, or just evil-er Barbie?

Barbie: If I'm evil -- am I evil? -- then an evil version of me would have to good, right?

Ashley: Or would an evil version of you still be evil, but just do good things for the wrong reasons?

Garrus: Doesn't Shepard already do good things for bad reasons?

Ashley: So does that mean an evil Barbie will do bad things for good reasons?

Joker: My head hurts.

Barbie: I'm evil!

Garrus: I don't care anymore.

* * *

Traynor: You were just on the Normandy. You fired me! Dishonorable discharge for conduct unbecoming! You

kicked me off the ship with barely enough time to grab my toothbrush!

Barbie: Well you keep harassing the female crew members. It's creating a hostile work environment. And

let's not get started about that incident with EDI...

Traynor: Mistakes were made, but EDI had agreed to participate.

Barbie: Well next time, you and I can try it!

Traynor: I'd rather drink hemlock than try anything with you, especially after you fired me!

Garrus: It was a clone. Kind of a long story.

Barbie: So if you're not doing anything later...

Traynor: Hell no.

Barbie: Can you at least get us inside?

Traynor: Well, there's a security hatch here that you can use.

Barbie: Great! Although it looks like we need to pry the door open somehow.

Garrus: Here's my combat knife.

Barbie: Traynor's toothbrush! Great thinking, Ash!

Ashley: But I didn't say anything.

Barbie: Whoops, I broke the toothbrush.

Traynor: I hate you.

Garrus: I still have my knife.

Ashley: Can I borrow it? I want to slit my throat.

Garrus: (hands Ashley the knife)

Ashley: What the hell is this thing? There's no edge to it! I thought you said it was a combat knife?

Garrus: I use it to attack butter.

Barbie: I just broke the toothbrush again.

* * *

CAT6 idiot: Ma'am! just before takeoff, Normandy registered a perimiter access alert. One of the security

hatches.

Clone: Oh no! Rats! I hate rats!

Brooks: Actually I think it was Shepard.

Clone: You think it was me?

Brooks: Not you, the other Shepard.

Clone: You mean the clone? No wait, I'm the clone.

Brooks: No, I mean the real Shepard.

Clone: I'm real. See, real flesh!

Brooks: That's not... look. The Original Shepard is here, and she wants to kill you. So let's go down to

the cargo hold and suit up so you can take her out.

Clone: Good idea! But shouldn't I go to my cabin to get dressed? That's where all my clothes are.

Brooks: I meant armor. Look, just follow my lead, okay?

* * *

Barbie: She's throwing out my hamster! Oh that's it, that bitch is going down! I hope she didn't throw out

my fish, I was saving those for lunch later.

* * *

Clone: Hi shepard!

Barbie: Hi Shepard! You look great in my armor!

Clone: Thanks! Although the boob slots were a tight fit.

Barbie: Are you saying you have bigger boobs than me?

Clone: Is that why it was a tight squeeze?

Barbie: Time to die!

Barbie: (making gun noises as she fights) BOOM! boom! Boom! BOOM!

Clone: (also making gun noises as she fights) Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew pew!

Brooks: My plan was perfect!

Ashley: If it was perfect, it would have worked.

Brooks: You're ruined everything!

Garrus: You cloned Shepard. *You* ruined everything!

CAT6 Pilot: A skycar keeps blocking our path!

Clone: Launch the shuttle to take it out!

Pilot: (launches shuttle)

Clone: Wait, shouldn't someone be piloting the shuttle? (shuttle crashes)

Barbie: Big hug! (tackles clone, both tumble out and barely manage to hang on)

Brooks: I'm out of here.

Garrus: Quick, we need to pull the real Shepard to safety.

Ashley: Do we? What if -- and hear me out on this -- we just let both of them die?

Garrus: I don't think we can take out the Reapers without Shepard.

Ashley: I don't like the sound of that.

Garrus: But which one is the real Shepard?

Ashley: I don't know. I can't tell them apart.

Garrus: Does it even matter at this point? The clone is close enough to the real thing. Just grab one and

we'll deal with it. (grabs one of the Shepards)

Shepard 1: Thanks.

Ashley: What about her?

Shepard 2: I always want to try this. (lets go) Geronimo!

Shepard 1: Well that's convenient.

* * *

Brooks: Well, I guess I'm off!

Shepard: To jail?

Brooks: No, I'm going to escape.

Shepard: Or you can hang with us. Just like old times! It'll be great!

Brooks: On second thought, better send me to prison.

James: So did you guys rescue the real Shepard, or the clone.

Shepard: Oh my god you guys, I just thought of a great idea! What if we installed a swimming pool in the

docking bay?

Garrus: We can't really tell. Javik, why don't you touch her to find out?

Javik: Never again.

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


James: Wow. Nice apartment you got here, Shepard. Can't wait to have that party.

Barbie: You're not thinking of trashing my new apartment, would you James?

James: What, me? No, never.

Barbie: Why not? It's super fun. (picks up a potted plant) Here, let me get you started.

James: Uh, maybe we should wait until you throw the party.

Barbie: (puts plant down) Good idea. Oh what the hell, one practice trashing. (picks up plant again)

* * *

Barbie: I think you should move your frigate here.

Traynor: Shepard...

Barbie: Seriously, it's a really good spot for it.

Traynor: Shepard...

Barbie: She can't reach you if you put your frigate there.

T'Souza: I am trying to play.

Barbie: I know. I'm telling you, put your frigate there.

Traynor: Shepard! Stop trying to help her win!

T'Souza: (moves frigate)

Traynor: (wins game with next move)

Crowd: (claps)

Traynor: Thanks for the help, Commander. I didn't think she's fall for that.

Barbie: I really thought that was a good move.

Traynor: Wait, what?

* * *

Operator 1: (talking in mic) Commander Shepard, will you please leave the simulator? Other people want to

use it.

Barbie: (screaming incoherently)

Operator 1: (still talking in mic) Shepard, please. I don't want to be fired over this. Plus we really need

to perform some routine maintenance.

Barbie: (laughing maniacally while running around)

Operator 2: How long has she been in there?

Operator 1: I don't know. She had already been in there for a few hours when I started my shift.

Operator 2: Wait, are those Cerberus troops begging for mercy? I didn't know we had routines for that.

Operator 1: I don't know that we do. I think even the combat A.I. has lost all hope.

Operator 2: Did that Atlas mech pilot just kill himself by punching himself with one of the arms?

Operator 1; (talking in mic again) Shepard, please leave the simulator. The arena was not designed for this

much punishment, and all the spectators are getting angry.

Barbie: (loud, continuous warcry)

Operator 2: Is that an M920 Cain? Where the hell did she get that?

Barbie: (nukes the simulator)

Operator 1: Please tell me its over.

Barbie: (more screaming)

Operator 2: It's not over.

Operator 1: Our simulator can't take much more of this.

Operator 2: Turn off the safeties.

Operator 1: But that could kill her.

Barbie: (dual-wielding grenade launchers)

Operator 1: Turning off safeties now.

* * *

Barbie: So what did you want to see me about, Miranda?

Miranda: I need access to Alliance files.

Barbie: Done.

Miranda: I also have a confession.

Barbie: Tell me.

Miranda: When we were rebuilding you, I wanted to put in a control chip.

Barbie: Understandable.

Miranda: The Illusive Man said no.

Barbie: Is that what's been bothering you?

Miranda: I put in the control chip anyway.

Barbie: But you didn't use it. Thank you.

Miranda: I did use it. It just didn't work.

Barbie: Typical Cerberus tech.

Miranda: (frantically mashing a button on a remote) Work, dammit!

Barbie: I have a sudden urge to eat several pounds of Suicide wings.

Ended up listening to my old ME2 mood music, so James got to go out and play. Did the crashed mech ship with Jack and Thane (which went swimmingly with those tunes), then visited the infection frightened VI with Grunt and Jack. In case the place needed trashing.

Was in such good mood I started Overlord (figuring I would hate myself later). Took Jack (in case of potential trashing) and Legion (because meta gaming). Did the Prometheus Station and stopped on the path to Vulcan station after paper mache craft exploded when fetching a second data packet.
Place is gorgeous though. Would be perfect with the Mako. Or the Nomad.

Took a break to check out how his code imported. Outside of hair color games ME 2 says it's correct. So just gonna head cannon he isn't getting his facial cream after quitting with Cerberus.

Then gave Vulcan track another go, ignoring the data. Paper mache craft has one thing going for it. Speed. Uhuhu that speed on a more motorcycle looking vehicle and that scenery. Any scenery.
Path was easier once I started to just ignore the turrets and speed past them. Lava was also okay.
The station itself was suprisingly a piece of cake. I usually do better at this one than the other, but this time it was just beautiful.

Alpha (?) station also went quite smoothly. Even the elevator. Not saying I didn't die, but there was no cursing or flailing about. Even got a bit of a chuckle as a geth trooper managed to sneak around the team and shoot them in the back.

Final fight is usually super frustrating, so getting through it in one go was just amazing.
I find the end choice kind of annoying, because the setup is way to overkill to make it a difficult choice. Like the idea of one person being able to control the geth and turn them in humanities favor is decent, but this is just some kind of torture fetish.

After venting he took Jack and Grunt to trash a mech facility. Which took a few tries but had an amusing ending of James just slipping past the LOKI trio and strolling behind them while Grunt and Jack remained trying to fight them.

Imported him into ME3 and well. He has a face I guess. Ended it near the first encounter of the vent child types.
Top spot so his face. He's happy about it at least...

I watched Kirrahe die a hero even though Thane is alive, which was surprising.

Remind us, who was Jacob again?

He's very forgettable. 😁

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


Diana Allers: So the crew is wondering if you are the real Shepard or the clone.

Barbie: I am the real Shepard. I became the real Shepard when the clone switched places with me.

Allers: Wait. So you're actually the clone?

Barbie: No. Because when I beat the clone in a fight, that made me the real Shepard!

Allers: I'm confused.

Barbie: Oh come on, this isn't hard to understand. I was always the real Shepard. But when the clone showed

up, we entered a state where neither of us was the clone or real until the other Shepard became the real

Shepard when she changed the biometrics. But then I became the real Shepard when I beat her on the Normandy

and she fell to her death.

Allers: So did you go back and change the biometric logs?

Barbie: Why bother? I'm the only Barbara Shepard now and therefore the only real Shepard. It's like, basic

logic.

Allers: I'm getting a headache.

Barbie: I started a new hobby!

Allers: And what's that?

Barbie: Collecting toe nails!

Allers: Oh joy.

Barbie: (pulling out nail clippers) I want your toe nails.

* * *

Cortez: They've got AA guns protecting the jamming towers. I need to drop you in low to get under their

radar.

Barbie: Great! (jumps out of shuttle)

Cortez: We're still over the water.

Javik: I am not even suprised.

Tali: Wow, she's a good swimmer.

Javik: I am not even suprised.

Tali: She just got attacked by a giant tentacle monster.

Javik: That was unexpected.

Tali: And now she's... oh dear god.

Javik: I am not even suprised.

... Later ...

Admiral Korris: Shepard, leave me here. Save my crew.

Barbie: Sorry Admiral, but you're needed at the Flotilla. Plus, I think Cortez dropped the jamming towers

on your crew.

Korris: What?

Cortez: Not my fault. They looked like Geth, and the jamming towers were big, and... I'm sorry okay?

* * *

Legion: We need to extract Geth from the server to save Quarian Creators.

Barbie: And how do I do that?

Legion: By going into the server.

Barbie: Oh this is going to be so cool! Hook me up! (gets hooked up)

Geth in server: Quiet! Please make it stop!

I'm doing something I haven't done in forever in a ME game. I'm starting a new character from scratch in ME1. I plan to do things I have never done before. But I got two important questions regarding this run.

1. I understand it is possible to not recruit Garrus and Wrex in this right? But how does it work? I think you can let Garrus refuse to join, take care of the Fist and then in C-Sec deny Wrex? Would that work? I also plan to recruit Liara last, so most of the game will be Ash, Kaidan, and Tali.

2. This is the important one. I am skipping romances in this run until ME3. My goal is to romance Ash in ME3 only. I know this can be done with Kaidan as I have done it once before. But can this be done with Ash? I would be interested to see what dialogue changes among them if possible.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


Barbie: Ashley, why are you on the floor?

Ashley: I'm on the floor? I was drinking with James. I don't remember much after that.

Barbie: What's that!? I couldn't hear you!!

Ashley: Please not so loud.

Barbie: WHAT!? SPEAK UP!

Ashley: Please stop yelling. Seriously. I have a headache.

Barbie: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING!???

Ashley: I want to die.

* * *

Tali: I can't believe I am standing on the soil of my ancestors.

Barbie: You stood on your ancestor's soil for the past two missions.

Tali: But this time is different.

Barbie: Here! Have a rock!

Tali: You handed me nothing.

Barbie: Pretend it's a rock!

Tali: You are scaring me.

Barbie: Great! Let's shoot some robots!

... Later ...


Barbie: Okay, I'm pointing the giant laser pointer at the thing.

EDI: Firing. (big explosion that knocks Barbie down a level)

Barbie: Ow! Explosions continue to be my weakness.

Reaper Destroyer: (loud Reaper noises)

Tali: Shit! It's a Reaper!

Barbie: COME TO MOMMY!

Tali: We've got to move!

Barbie: Why? I want to fight the Reaper!

EDI: There's no giant Thresher Maws here.

Tali: All Thresher Maws are giant!

Barbie: I want to kill a Reaper!

Legion: We have secured an escape vehicle.

Reaper Destroyer: (more loud Reaper noises)

Tali: Come on! Move!

Barbie: You're no fun!

EDI: You can have fun later.

Barbie: Is it later, now?

Legion: Is there adequate room, Commander-Shepard?

Barbie: I call shotgun on the turret!

Legion: Making evasive maneuvers.

Barbie: (while firing turret) Bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp bahp!

EDI: We need an orbital strike!

Han Gerrel: One orbital strike coming up! (hits Reaper)

Barbie: Pull over!

Han Gerrel: What did we hit?

Barbie: A big glowing weak spot! Time for a boss fight!

EDI: shepard, What are you doing?

Barbie: Using the laser pointer until the Quarians knock King Kong Crab down, then I'm going to punch it!

EDI: That sounds like a bad plan.

Barbie: I never have bad plans.

Reaper Destroyer: IMMA FIRIN' MUH LASER!

Barbie: I'm pointing my laser!

Herd of cats: (chasing the lasers)

Quarian Fleet: (takes down the Reaper Destroyer)

Reaper Destroyer: Shepard, Harbinger speaks of you.

Barbie: Tell him he should join my fan club. It has dozens of members!

Narrator: It has two members.

Reaper Destroyer: You fight, but you will fail.

Barbie: (cracking knuckles) Oh yeah? Time to show you who's boss.

Reaper Destroyer: (dies)

Barbie: Oh come on! Does that mean the Quarians get credit for the kill? Dammit!

Tali: You did it Shepard!

Legion: We still carry the Reaper upgrade code. If we upload it to all Geth, we will become true Artificial

Intelligence!

Han Gerrel: The Geth are completely vulnerable. Let's kill them!

Tali: Shepard, if the Geth get the upgrades, they'll be just as dangerous as when they were under Reaper

control!

Legion: Do you remember the question that started the rebellion? "Does this unit have a soul?"

Barbie: I'm still wondering if you can make toast.

Legion: Geth do not eat.

Barbie: Neither does a toaster, but it makes toast. Can you make toast?

Han Gerrel: Keep firing!

Legion: Shepard-Commander!

Tali: Shepard!

Barbie: Okay fine, whatever. Hey bucketheads, listen up! I am very mad that you stole my kill. If you don't

stop firing, I come up there and ram a stick so far up each of your buttholes, you will be spitting

toothpicks. Do I make myself clear?

Han Gerrel: Cease fire immediately!

Tali: Thank you, Shepard.

Legion: Thank you, Shepard-Commander.

Barbie: No problem, Leggy! Ready to come back to the Normandy? I have some really neat platform upgrades I

think you should try.

Legion: Does not compute. Shutting down. Peace out.

Thank you. I got some misinformation then. I was told it is possible to not recruit Garrus AND Wrex, but I was wondering how that worked since you need one of them to progress the game. I guess I'll go with Wrex and not recruit Garrus and see how that works out in ME2.

I think you should be able to do some renegade actions and still be able to get with her. But yeah, I planned to be nice to her anyway. I actually felt that doing Kaidan's romance in ME3 only had enough unique dialogue to make it interesting. I didn't regret doing it at least. Maybe the same can be said for Ashley. Either way, its another thing to look forward to. 

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


Barbie: Move over, I want to play!

Jacob: (playing an arcarde game) Not now! I'm trying to beat the arcade ladder.

Barbie: Too bad, I'm second player! Time for a beatdown, Johnson!

Jacob: It's Jacob. And please don't embarrass me in front of the kids. They look up to me.

Kids: Go Shepard! Kick his ass! Jacob's a chump!

Jacob: Oh come on!

Barbie: (kicks Jacob's ass at the game) Wow, you suck Jeeves.

Jacob: I hate you.

* * *

Barbie: Hi mom! How are you doing!?

Barbie's mom: Sorry honey, what's that? I can't hear you!

Barbie: How are you doing?

Mom: Sorry, what? I think you must be going through a tunnel. You're breaking up.

Barbie: Are you brushing me off?

Mom: There's a lot of static on your end. I can't hear you at all.

Barbie: Mom!

Mom: I'm going to have to hang up. Call me back never.

Barbie: I love you too, mom!

* * *

Barbie: How do you like the new apartment?

Traynor: It's nice.

Barbie: You wanna try the hot tub?

Traynor: Sure!

... Soon ...

Traynor: Ooh, this is nice!

Barbie: You should also check out the temperature controls! I don't know how they do it, but it heats and

cools the water really fast!

Traynor: Please don't---

Barbie: Super hot!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: And now super cold!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: And now super hot again!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: And now super cold again!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: Super hot!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: Super cold!

Traynor: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Barbie: Awesome, right?

Traynor: I wish I was back on Earth being eaten bu husks.

* * *

Admiral Hackett: Shepard, we need you to help Captain Riley get a Turian fuel reactor back up and running.

Barbie: Yes sir, Admiral Muppet, sir! (logs off)

Hackett: I need a stiff drink.

Riley: Commander, good to see you. We need your help to get the Reactor running again, and to figure out

why all the workers are gone.

Barbie: On it!

Riley: Uh, commander...

Barbie: AAAH! It burns!

Riley: You need to clear out the radiation first...

Barbie: Seriously, it burns! OW!

Riley: Are you even listening to me?

Barbie: Maybe if I blow the radiation back into the reactor?

Riley: (to squadmates) Is she okay?

Ashley: Compared to us? No.

Javik: For the commander? Very normal.

Barbie: Maybe if I suck it up, then spit it back into the reactor?

Riley: She's going to kill herself!

Ashley: If we're lucky.

Barbie: Ugh! That tastes terrible! No way am I doing that!

Javik: We are unlucky.

* * *

Barbie: Hey Ash! Watcha doin?

Ashley: Well I was going to drink.

Barbie: Drinking contest!

Ashley: Okay, fine. But beautiful and badass Spectres first---

Barbie: (downs both glasses)

Ashley: Well fuck.

Batarian: (shoves Barbie) My friend doesn't like Alliance types.

Ashley: Pal, we're kind of in the middle of something here.

Batarian: (shoves Barbie again) I don't like Alliance types either.

Barbie: Bar fight! (breaks bottle into sharp weapon)

* * *

Barbie: You got any plans for tonight?

Tali: I am as free as the dust on the solar winds.

Barbie: (quizzicle look)

Tali: You know, from 'Fleet and Flotilla'?

Barbie: What a terrible movie.

Tali: You didn't like it?

Barbie: No one died in it. No one got beat up, shot, or stabbed.

Tali: ...

Barbie: I like action movies.

Tali: Of course you do.

Barbie: And alien porn.

* * *

Barbie: C'mon, Jack! Let's kick some Cerberus ass!

Jack: Shepard, I kind of wanted to do this sim alone.

Barbie: Fire it up! Let's shoot some baddies!

Armax Arsenal Arena operator: (horrified that Barbie is back in the simulator) Oh no.




I will be away from my computer for a few days. I may try to post one more before I leave.