What did you do today in ME?

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I didn't write you sooner.  The doctors only let me have access to a computer two days ago.  They were afraid that I would try to go back to work.  Truthfully, I wouldn't be up for it anyhow.


The weather here was really bad.  The ash in the atmosphere partially blocked out the sun. Scientists are saying the next 5 years or so are going to be colder on a global scale.  When you hear about snow in Rio, you know the climate is gonna be screwy.

I"m sure you've heard the rumors, but I'll give it to you straight.   A small scouting team found me in the rubble at the bottom of the Citadel beam.  I was barely breathing and unresponsive.  After the Crucible fired, folks wasted no time salavaging hosptial equipment and supplies.   Wonder of wonders, they found a 4 story building just outside of London that was largely intact with a gasoline generator.  They converted it into a makeshift hosptial.  That apparently where I was at for the first two weeks.  They transferred me here to Vancouver about 4 weeks ago.


I came out of my coma two weeks ago.  I couldn't speak above a bare whisper.  My arms felt like lead and my legs felt like useless noodles.  I was able to slightly turn my head.  Kaidan was sitting in the chair next to me after nodding off.  I whispered his name and he looked up.  He smiled at me, kissed my cheek and ran to get a nurse.  I was so tired, despite being in a coma.  The doctors explained to me that it was a "healing coma" and it wasn't the same as real sleep.  I think I spent the better part of two days sleeping soundly.


This has been some of the hardest excerise I've ever had.  I went through Boot Camp with little more than a grimace.  I blew up a Reaper with a heavy weapon.  I've lept and bounced across a Collector ship without feeling the slightest bit of discomfort.  Now I have to relearn how to walk to the bathroom.  Imagine my shock when I tried to stand up (against doctor's orders) and nearly fell over trying to support my own weight.  So every day is streteches, physical therapy and walking with a cane.  When I got to the bathroom on my own, it felt almost as good as the day I got my N7 commendation.   Each day I slowly walk down the main hallway with my cane and Kaidan supporting me.  It's getting easier.  

The Great Commander Shepard...had to use a bedpan for a week.  Think they'll put that in my biography?


As far as what happened up there...I've gone over it in my head countless times since I woke up.  No matter what, it never makes sense.  Like a dream or a nightmare.  I'll tell you what I know for certain:


1) I was told I got an indirect hit from Harbinger.  Even though my armor was blasted off, I was still alive.  The doctors think that the implants kept me safe somehow.  


2) I made it into the Keeper tunnels.  There was...bodies.  So many bodies.  The Reapers were using the beam to take the bodies of the dead up there to be processed.  The Keepers were sorting through the bodies, getting ready to send them into the protein vats.

3) Anderson was there.  No one knows how he got there, although I was happy to hear a friendly voice.  

4) Then I saw him and the Illusive Man.  Maybe he was in the Citadel and warned the Reapers from there?  Only thing I can figure.  He did...something with dark energy and controlled me.  Made me shoot Anderson.  He was going to shoot Anderson himself but his control slipped and I shot him instead.

5) I talked to Anderson, trying to keep him alive and to stay with me.  After he died, I thought the work was done.  It wasn't.  Hackett told me that the Crucible didn't fire.

From here Mom it becomes fuzzy and surreal.  The thing controlling the Reapers was an AI out of all things.  It used a hologram of the little boy I mentioned (the one with the model ships.)  He talked about not judging fire if it burns and all of this other nonsense.  He said that organics will always fight synthetics and that mutal destruction was inevitable.  It talked about a lot of things.  At the end, I was given three choices.

I could lose my physical form and become the new AI of the Reapers.  The Illusive Man was right.  That was tempting.  To use something so destructive as a force for good as I see fit.  However, this Reaper AI was likely bliions of years old.  Who's to say I wouldn't become just like it?  

I could die and create true synthesis.  Somehow merging my DNA with the galaxy and merging synthetic and organic life.  That was also tempting, since I cared a lot for EDI and the geth.  Yet, images in my mind of Husks suddenly remembering who they were haunted me.  Of Brutes, which are the most unholy mix of krogan and turian.  They don't have the same acid chain.  Plus, the AI seemed a little too eager for what he called a "new solution."  

I choose to destroy the Reapers.  The AI warned me that all synthetics will be targeted and some of our technology would be damaged.  I immediately thought of EDI and the geth.  I was crying in the inside, but on the outside I only had the energy to shed a single tear.  I remember standing there, taking a moment to look outside.  I watched the battle of the fleets and the Reapers.  I thought about the future.  A future with no Reapers, yet with the chance to build synthetics anew. 

Was the cost too high?  I don't know.  Hell, I don't think I'll ever know.  I know that it hurt to make that decision.  I never wanted that.  I never wanted my decisions in Citadel Control to possibly kill millions of geth as well as my friend.  They call me a hero, but I look at the picutre from EDI's memorial service and I sure don't feel like one.

For now, I'm watching more of my efforts come to pass.  Wrex is leading a team of krogan to clear out some of rubble.  He said, "Krogan know how to move rubble.  Just don't ask us to rebuild anything.  We still need practice at that."  James is apart of the same team.  "I'm not good at medicine and I'm not much of a carpenter.  But if I can give families peace of mind, then I'm doing something right."

Kaidan is with Wrex as well, leading his own small team of scouts.  They are still turning up some survivors, although he mostly writes condolence letters to families.

Tali is here helping salavage whatever metal and other materials she can. She's been amazing at getting power and water set back up.  The rest of her race, along with the salarians, the asari and most of the Alliance are working on the final repairs to the Sol Relay.


 Garrus saw the writing on the wall right away.  He's working alongside the military and law enforcement to control lootings.  So far there hasn't been many but when the danger feels completely gone, people will get desperate and start thinking about themselves.  He's been also working on securing any valuable goods such as a dextro food, blankets and medical supplies.

Liara has been using her few remaining contacts as an information broker to get some help.  She's done a good job too.  There are still some of her contacts on ships in the large fleet that she talks to.  I don't know how she does it, but she's dedicated.  Everyday there is more people we need here.  Everyone from doctors and mechanics to baby sitters.  Now that the war is over, civilians can come and help.

Joker came by after EDI's memorial service. I was too weak to go, but I let him know that I missed her too.  I haven't told him about the AI.  I mean, what am I supposed to say? "Sorry, but I was bleeding heavily from a gunshot wound and had to kill your first girlfriend.  Thems the breaks kid."?  

Hackett sent me a message that he'd like to fully debrief me in person once I was feeling better.  Boy, he's in for a doozy of a tale.  Things got so weird after his last message that it doesn't seem real.

I'll never know if I truly did the right thing or not.  I had to play God with a machine.  I know that I'll miss my "little sister."  I know that the quarians had come to trust the geth only for it to be taken away with just a few bullets.  I'll never know if that buggy AI was correct or if they believed it to justify it's own existence.  I suppose that's for the historians and philosophers to figure out in the future.

For now though, I suppose it's behind me.  The sun is shining and there is half-melted snow on the ground.  I hear more laughter and less tears now.  Folks are happily chatting about rebuilding a new future.  I'm trying to rebuild myself.  I made it one more meter down the hallway today.

Kaidan's bringing me a bowl of his steak and rice soup.  The meat is very well braised, so it's easy to swallow.  It's sure as hell beats hospital food.  He's going to take me to his parents place when I'm better.  It somehow survived the destruction and he said he misses having some quiet.  For the first time, I do too.  

He might propose soon.  Or at least he keeps hinting at it.  Since I'm considering retiring from active duty, settling down on Earth with Kaidan in a nice place has it's appeal.  No kids though.  I don't think that I'd make a good mother.  Kaidan won't share his feelings, except to tell me that we have time to deal with that later.

I'm alive and healing.  I've got some new scars, but nothing more than I had on the SR1.   I'll write you again soon.  Hopefully I'll get a chance to see you soon, since I know that Hackett's kept you busy after the war.  I love you and I'm relieved that you're alive.  It's been hard and rough.  So many people died.  In the end, we triumphed over the Reapers.  We made it.

Natashina Jean Shepard

5,4,1,X- 1,9,11,1,18,14,1- 2,19,18,17,28,25,1-  10,8,30,3-  1,6,30,11,18- 5,1,12- 8,7,2,6,6