Suvi Anwar (Official Thread)

I've worked and been in various LGBTQ communities both online and in my area and communities, and there's various labels, identities and definitions out there both for all types, whether it be sexual, romantic, and gender identities and orientations. There are no clear rules on how people chose to identify or label themselves as. Most lesbians and gays I know (the majority of those being normal sexually active homosexual lesbians and gays as you pointed out, and a few asexual lesbians as well), both online and in the LGBTQ communities I've been involved in do not consider the definition of lesbian to be so rigid or exclusively about who they are sexually attracted to. For alot of lesbians I've talked to, it's also about who they are romantically attracted to or other types of attractions. Most of my lesbian friends (homosexual lesbians) find it clear what I mean when I say I am an asexual lesbian, and most have no problem with it.


I am not erasing women "like you" or undermining your experiences or representation at all.I am merely pointing out that being a lesbian, and being in a lesbian relationship to some lesbians (both homosexual and homoromantics) can be about more than just being sexual or having a sexual attraction and/or sexual relationship.There's some lesbians who have low-libido and aren’t interested in sex that much compared to other lesbians, and some lesbians that don't experience sexual attraction to anyone (asexual), just like some lesbians (like aromantic lesbians) aren't romantically attracted to anyone, but are still only sexually attracted to women (and experience sexual attraction for women only) and no one else. That doesn't make them any less of a lesbian either. No lesbian, or any other romantic or sexual orientation or identity should have to police or define herself (or himself) and their identities by such rigid standards and conformities.


Still,if you look up lesbian online, the definition of lesbians range from being sexually and/or romantically attracted to women, to any woman who experiences romantic, emotional, physical, sexual and/or spiritual attraction for women only (not just sexual attraction).However, if you want to go back even further than that, concerning terminology - yes, I am a lesbian. That is not an exclusive word reserved for homosexuals, but an identity. The term historically comes from greek and denotes same sex attraction, whether said attraction is sexual or romantic in nature was never once mentioned in Sappho's writings or later writings about Sappho's life, we just, again, assume that everything aligns at all times. Which clearly is not the case. After that the term then became homophile, which means love, kinship and affinity for the same sex. So yes,if you want to get technical, homosexual evolved from homophile, which comes from the greek term which means same-sex attraction.


I know that I am a lesbian asexual and I identify with being a lesbian for a number of reasons. For most of my life I've lived as a very masculine butch lesbian,since I behave, dress, look and act more masculine.I like women, and although I'm romantically and aesthetically/physically attracted mostly to femmes and feminine women, I like women and find ladies incredibly beautiful in all their varieties. I've always preferred the female body and love the way women's physiques are, be it clothed or naked. They look, feel and smell great! I never could feel like that about a male. I prefer the way women speak compared to men.I am really aesthetically/physically drawn and attracted to ladies, and I've only developed non-sexual crushes and infatuations/romantic feelings towards ladies. I can get distracted by a beautiful woman.Sometimes I can even get turned on by watching lesbian love scene,but at the same time I don't want to have sex with a girl, as sexual acts repulse me, and I don't experience sexual attraction. I've also had and felt and crave that loving romantic, physical and spiritual and emotional lesbian bond.


At the same I also know that I'm not attracted to men in anyway, and am definitely not bisexual, or straight. I dont like anything about guys romantically,sexually, or aesthetically.I relate to guys as being friends only. Because of all these preferences and different attractions for women than I could never have with men, I round it up to 'asexual lesbian.' The FAQS for AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) even states that while asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, some experience romantic attraction, which can be directed towards either or both sexes. Therefore some asexuals identify as gay or lesbian asexuals, while others identify as straight asexuals. For some asexuals like me, we don't use "homoromantic" because we feel lesbian or gay describes us better and fits us better.


Yes,I agree that any form of homophobia, and discriminating homophobic stereotypes and erasures for lesbians and gays, and any members of the LGTBQIA community, whether its biphobia for bisexuals, or asexuals in the form of acephobia, and ace-erasure, portrayed in the media is abhorrently wrong, and disgusting, especially those that say that lesbians have to like men, that deep down they have to have d, or sleep with a man to know whether they are lesbian or not.Believe me,I've experienced my fair share of homophobia.I'm 33 years old now, and back in junior high nobody knew about asexuals or asexuality (I didn't). I just knew I was a lesbian because I was still romantically attracted and interested in women only. In junior high I came out as lesbian and was mercilessly bullied by those in school for being a butch lesbian, by homophobic jerks just because I wasn't interested in dating men, and because I hung around girls or dated girls most of the time, or was too masculine and butch.Men, and even straight women (who thought I as a lesbian was disgusting, or would avoid us for fear we would come onto them, or try to turn them lesbian) would constantly harass or belittle us, telling us we should go on dates with men or have sex with men just to prove we were gay. Some even thought they could change us, get us to crave the d (as you put it), and make us into real heterosexual women, by offering to have sex with us to turn us straight. So yes, I know very well what its like to be ridiculed and bullied with homophobia and to have those hateful negative pre-existing homophobic behaviors and stereotypes constantly being thrown around. It is disgusting and awful for men or anyone really, to ridicule, bully, or otherwise try to encourage any pre-existing homophobic, biphobic, or acephobic views, or beliefs that trying sex or having sex (or any form of sexual contact) with anyone of a different gender or sexuality will magically cure them of their gayness (or cure them of being asexual),or turn them straight or gay, or that lesbians need men.


That being said, personally I think its just as homophobic, acephobic, and damaging for a lesbian (and erasing to the identity that they identify or label themselves as) to claim another lesbian can't be a lesbian just because she is a homoromantic (lesbian) asexual, or just because a lesbian might be non-sexual, or prefer a non-sexual relationship. By saying I'm not really a lesbian because I'm asexual and don't have sexual attraction, what you are doing is identity policing. You’re making attraction to the same gender all about sexual attraction only, making them the be-all end-all requirement for being lesbian, gay or queer, and you’re isolating and erasing people who don’t fit YOUR strict requirements or definitions.You're essentially telling lesbian, gay and straight asexuals (and/or aromantic gays and lesbians) that just because we're asexual or don't experience sexual attraction, that deep down our romantic attractions and experiences as being lesbian and gay, or straight asexuals don't count and don't matter, therefore further spreading the kind of hurtful ace erasure, acephobic and homophobic views that asexuals, homoromantics, aromantics, and other minorities in the LGBTQIA communities have had to face and overcome.


Surely, you must realise that lesbians and gays aren't the only ones with issues where their sexual or romantic orientations are ridiculed, not taken seriously, becoming invisible, or who's experiences are being erased. Various other members of the LGBTQ, Asexual, and Aromantic communities face these exact same problems and prejudices for their sexualities, identities and romantic orientations. I experienced this both as a lesbian in junior high with homophobia as I mentioned above, and later on with acephobia in my late 20's and early 30's when I realized there was such a thing as asexual and when I came out as asexual as well. Men or people saying asexuality isn't real, or doesn't exist, that your not normal if you don't like sex (even though some asexuals can have sex) or aren't sexually attracted to people, that aces don't exist, that you're not normal if you don't like sex, that you're broken or you can be cured, or just try it and you'll like it, deep down you must like it, or your just sexually repressed, or you just haven't meant the right person yet.


Up until the last few years asexuality (and other newer minorities like aromantics) have only just begun to get noticed or just started being included in the LGBTQ communities and only just recently started being accepted as a form of sexuality and orientations. While I've lived as a lesbian and been in lesbian relationships my whole life, and still identify as a butch lesbian, I only came out as asexual over the last 5-10 years because I didn't even know about it. For years asexuality has been known as the invisible orientation, because most people didn't even know it existed until recently, we've have very little (if at all) representation in the media, whether it be books, movies, videogames, tv shows, etc. And some of this representation has been negative representation based on false awful acephoic stereotypes, where the asexual character suddenly meets a person who seduces them or suddenly cures them of their asexuality, so they suddenly love sex, furthering their damaging and hurtful belief that asexuality can be cured, or that you're not normal if you don't like sex, or that if you just try it with the right person then you'll like it and be cured.


Even though it's slowly changing over the last few years, we have often faced these same kind of damaging and erasing remarks from the LGBTQ communities. Alienating statements like yours "you can't be lesbian if you don't have sex with other women," or "you can't be lesbian if your asexual" are also some of the kind of hurtful and damaging discrimination that we've seen and which have alienated asexuals from their LGBTQ communities and that we've had to struggle and work hard to overcome in order to be included and supported in the LGBTQIA spectrum over the last few years.


In no way was I high-fiving Bioware for not providing you with one sex scene. Did you completely forget about where I mentioned I wholeheartedly agree and thought she SHOULD DEFINITELY have had the option of a sex scene for lesbians? Did you forget where I mentioned that I think all the romances (whether its lesbian, straight, gay or bi) should have an option for their Ryder to have a sex scene, but also provide another option for their Ryder for a romantic non-sex scene.

How is providing the options for a sex scene for those that want it,and a separate non-sexual romantic scene for those who want to chose that instead of a sex scene for the game's lesbian, straight, gay or bisexual romances, a bad thing or hurtful or erasing to anyone's orientation? If anything, you denying us asexuals the option of having a separate romance scene or an ambigious romantic scene is damaging and erasing our sexuality and identities, and is essentially encouraging the pre-existing homophobia, acephobia, and ace-erasure, that our sexuality, attractions (be they romantic or otherwise) and orientations don't or shouldn't exist, and that you can't be asexual and also identify as being gay, lesbian or straight.

So instead of letting every romantic orientation in the game have the option of a sex, and romance scene,and the choice of chosing whether to play their Ryder as sexual, non-sexual or asexual, you are wanting to erase us asexuals and what little representation we are just finally starting to get in games or the media.You are wanting to erase us and our sexuality, and policing our identities and what I (or others) identify and label myself has, and trying to tell me that I'm not really a lesbian (when the term historically means same sex attraction), that what I identify and label myself has isn't right,or doesn't conform to your rigid definitions and elitist labels of what you consider a lesbian.


All I said was that I was grateful that there was still an ambiguous romantic scene for those lesbians who do not wish to have a sexual relationship with Suvi, for a change, or for those who see the relationship as a romantic lesbian relationship, instead of a sexual one, because not many people get that option (thats the beauty of the scene,its romantic and sexy enough to be seen as sexual if you want it to be).


You didn't see bisexuals complaining that having Josephine not having a sex scene in DAI was damaging and erasing to their orientation, or spreading false biphobic beliefs and stereotypes about bisexuals (and before you say it,yes bisexuals also face discrimination, I've seen some lesbians in other LGBT communities discriminate and stereotype against bisexual women because they believe bisexuals are too promiscuous, with some lesbians claiming they can't be in a real loving relationship with a bisexual woman because deep down bisexual women always prefer men or will leave them for a man eventually). Some players complained about the lack of sex scene,and while it was disapppointing that they didn't give people the option of having a sex scene as well as the romance scene, most people just accepted that Josephine's romance could be seen either way, as being a normal bisexual relationship with sex, an old fashioned traditional celibate until marriage relationship, or having a biromantic (or bi-asexual) relationship with the Inquisitor.


Asexuality is absolutely erased 99% of the time, and that 1% it isn't, it is degraded, dehumanized, ridiculed, discriminated against, just like homosexuality is. Asexuality is running through the EXACT same steps! We all sit in the same boat.So instead of spreading more rigid definitions and elitism and arguing about labels, orientations, and trying to police who we identify as, we should support and respect each other and whatever we chose to label or identify ourselves as, instead of alienating other members of the LGBTQIA communities.

We are all minorities here, and we all fight for the right to be visibly and respectfully represented in various forms of media,like videogames, and movies. We all deserve respect and shouldn't deny anyone that option or representation.


I agree all sexualities and romantic orientations should be respectfully represented in Bioware's games.So I would love more lesbian and gay romances in the game. But I also say let all romances in the game (be they straight, lesbian, gay, or bi) have the choice and option of both a sex scene and a romantic non-sexual scene, for those who prefer it (whether they are asexual, or would just rather chose to watch the romance scene instead of the sex scene) that way asexuals get their representation and option as well.