Dorian Pavus Thread "He's More Handsome Than A Cockroach"

I wrote Dorian over a period of about a month at the very beginning of 2014. Prior to that, he’d been conceived as a Tevinter mage who was actually a good guy – someone who had ideals, and who strenuously objected to the moral decay of his homeland, where blood magic had become a common thing almost every magister needed in order to get a leg up on their rivals. The character didn’t really come together for me until the team started discussing which followers would be romances, however, and the possibility of including a couple of gay characters was raised.

Of course, a character being gay is not a substitute for them having goals or character development, but in this case Dorian’s role in the game was more or less already established. What I lacked was a clear picture of what made him who he was, and in particular why he left his homeland. The idea that maybe he was gay, and that this perhaps played a role in his rejection of his family’s intended life for him, was rather intriguing. Homophobia didn’t exist in Thedas per se, but Tevinter society has a very rigid set of requirements regarding what was acceptable behavior for their elite citizens. The truth was immaterial: you had to look the part, and more than that you had to devote yourself to a good marriage and to your family’s cause. Anything less than that and you were a pariah, your family too weak to even maintain the expected façade… if you couldn’t manage that, after all, then how competent could you truly be? Dorian being someone who rejected that life, despite all the benefits it could offer and despite his parents’ worries and best intentions, because living truthfully meant more to him? That spoke to me on a personal level in a way I don’t think it would for a writer who wasn’t themselves gay.

Which is not to say that only a gay man could have written Dorian. Writers are accustomed to creating characters who have very little in common with their real life. All it really takes is to reach down inside yourself and find that part of you which connects with what you’re writing… but in this case it’s safe to say I didn’t need to reach very far. I think we all have some experience with what disappointing our parents feels like, but LGBTQ people experience that at such a visceral level it often dominates their lives. The fear of rejection by those you love most, the utter relief that laying down the burden of self-loathing and shame others have placed on your shoulders, the constant battle with the idea that maybe you’re being selfish by insisting on not living a lie just to make the world a more comfortable place for those around you… these are things we’re all too familiar with. So while I may not be the scion of a wealthy family, and my parents never threatened me with rejection or therapy or otherwise tried to force me to change, I still knew Dorian’s struggle. Perhaps better than any of my other characters.

Oh, it’s true that I didn’t need to make his character arc about him being gay, or about his relationship to his parents. Sexuality doesn’t need to be a story device, after all, it could simply have been a fact. Considering that, prior to Dragon Age: Inquisition, I never had the opportunity to put this much of myself into a character, however, I felt like it was worth trying. It’s a personal story that in no way resembles my life, and yet at the same time it does. Writing the scene with Dorian’s father was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and required me to access deep-seated fears that were so raw and uncomfortable it was at times almost beyond endurance. But I did it, and so many people have contacted me in the years since to tell me how close to home Dorian’s story hit that I’m glad I did it.

If you’re reading this and you’re one of those people, then I thank you. If Dorian’s experience hit close to home for you because you actually went through anything close to what he did, then my heart goes out to you. Maybe the day will come when stories like Dorian’s won’t need to be told, when I won’t look upon such a rare opportunity as something to be snatched up and shared, but that’s not today. This isn’t Thedas, but we live with our own demons and have our own monsters to face, and if you’ve contributed towards #BornPerfect then you’re playing a small part in the battle and I salute you.

As for me, maybe one day I’ll get to revisit Dorian. I expect he’ll be peeved I’ve been away so long, and the two of us will get to have a long and scandalous conversation while we drink too much wine. I’ll comment how his ass has become famous, and he’ll say that it goes well with his full head of hair, and then oh how we’ll laugh.

Life is sometimes good to us. Try to remember that, if you can.

— David Gaider