The BSN writers club

I wish I knew that there was music to listen to when I started reading, I was jamming to 'Human' when reading it.

I actually really like it. It got me into the characters and the action to where I did legitimatley feel something when John's daughter was captured. Not that there aren't its fair share of problems because, well there are. But your descriptions are really good, and I did not notice any lack of environmental details...though maybe that is because I am quite weak at those myself and I don't really care about the environment. Something which has caused issues in my current writing. I thought the battle was well done and it could create, and give a good reason to continue with the story. It sets up the conflict, and the personal stakes personally, though I am unsure of where it fits in the overall story.

So now onto the issues. The one gaff with your description I thought it did come out of left field that they were being escorted by soldiers, it was like...huh...I do imagine this is early in the story so it is kind of forgivable but maybe set up their presence a little more. *the clop of the feet* or something like that.

And the punctatuion was also a bit on the...chaotic side...commas should have been added and periods which made the sentences seem very disjointed. Don't worry, I'm still getting the hang of it too.

Also is it Jon, or Jon?

And as a personal note, though this does seem to work, try to not use the same word in a paragraph twice. You used narrowed twice, try changing one of them up to space up your language.

Finally, as a personal note, your character and descriptions were pretty good but as something that I do in my own writing I really like getting in my characters heads and focusing on them and their actions. Several authors obviously get away with not doing it...as much as I do (Tolkien, to an extent Martin), but something you might want to consider.

Overall if the rest of the work does maintain the quality of writing I see there I would give it a mid to high tier 2 rating.

Also, shameless plug, but it did remind me of one of my stories: www.fanfiction.net/s/10675174/1/What-Makes-an-Inquisitor-1

Argh! The sons name is Kent! Not John! I need to change that!

All right fixed it! Don't know what I was thinking writing that! XD

Here's some links to help with description practice or narrative techniques:

madgeniusclub.com/2017/10/01/sunday-link-salad/
madgeniusclub.com/2017/10/04/blast-from-the-recent-past-write-like-the-wind/

They are a group of published writers that have all sorts of experience.

www.booksoarus.com/writing-third-person-examples-tips/
www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/5-essential-tips-for-writing-killer-fight-scenes


Interesting setup so far. Like you said, I'd probably add some more description for the environment.

I'm super guilty of not reading environment descriptions in books, so I sometimes wonder if I should bother much in my own writing.

I'm going to add Star Trek discovery as another example of the master class on tight story telling.

indeed.

i did say on Facebook it may be the best thing to happen to tv since Ned Stark got his head lopped off.

I'm talking in terms of generalities and what that event represented. It showed that GoT wasn't going to be your typical show. Likewise an event in the latest discovery shows that this isn't going to be your typical ST show. And the Ned Stark death reprsented a turning point in the narrative of Thrones.

Yeah, you would hate the A Song of Ice and Fire books.

well you have twilight and...wait was this fifty shades of gray you were reading?