What did you do today in ME?

Just make up stuff. Remember my ME3 banana playthrough? I made it believable that banana's could defeat the reapers.

So i thought i was done with the Citadel dlc....turns out i had an invite from Koylat, Miranda, Samantha, Jack and Jacob, Shep's Mom.....nothing major, but i must say, while it was a small segment, that memorial to Thane by the characters and finally Koylat was nicely done, the entire crew being there, hearing statements from crew members making statements about Thane.....the entire narrative was impressive...a great sendoff for Thane.

I'm also glad i was able to save Jack from ME2....i like how the writers progressed her character. Having her care about her students in the manner it is portrayed in the game shows real growth for her character, especially where it concerns her background...she's a badass, but you can tell she has a very SOFT spot for her students.

I gotta say it tho....the entire light-hearted theme of the Citadel is written better than the entire light-hearted theme story of Andromeda....maybe that is unfair since the citadel is a more condensed story and not a full-fledged one, but still the writing is just night and day here....the party in Shep's apt was great, the day after with everybody hung over was hilarious and felt organic...none of the scenarios felt forced.....the writers really had a passion for these characters and maybe at the time it felt like the end for them, so they really put together what i thought was an incredible dlc....

We finally reach where the reaper base is.  I watch as the Commander and squad take care of the geth. They seem to trust the geth they call Legion with helping them. Those are some big geth. Crap. That was close. I heard Ashley call them Primes. Don't know what that means. All I know they were tough to take down. The Commander aims a laser thingy at the area that opened up. The Normandy fired into the exposed silo. Now the ground is shaking. OH CRAP. I just wet myself. The Commander yells reaper. Come on Mary, get your legs moving. If I survive, I'm going to take up exercising. The vehicle stops. Why? You're kidding? I guess not. I watch from a safe spot as I watch the Commander go face-to-face with the reaper. Ok. How many times does the reaper need to be shot before it 's destroyed? 

What? How does the reaper know the Commander? Who is Harbinger? This reporter wants answers. Now the Commander has to decide between the geth and the quarians. I thought we're here for the quarians help? She chooses the quarians. The geth attacks the Commander, but thanks to Tali, the geth is destroyed.

CS: What'a think of that mission Mary?
MM: WHAT DO I THINK? I pissed myself when a reaper climbed out of that silo or whatever you call it. Do you realized I have crapped all over myself in Vancouver and now I pissed all over myself. What's next? I do both at the same time? I feel like a new born.
CS: Hahahahaha. Sorry. Hahahahaha. You're doing fine Mary. Have a glass of water to catch your breath. 
MM: Very funny Commander. Can you explain how that reaper knew your name, and who is this Harbinger?
CS: I can. When my team and I were dealing with the Collectors, one of them would change into something very powerful. It spoke to me. Later I learned it was being controlled by a reaper, Harbinger. I met Harbinger, at least his hologram form, after dealing with the collectors. I came to the conclusion he is the leader of the reapers and told the others about me.
MM: Interesting. Would it be safe to say if Harbinger were to be destroyed, the rest of the reapers would stop?
CS: I have no idea if that would work. I do like the idea, but if this device does what is believed, all reapers will be destroyed. If the device doesn't do that, then your idea might be what we go with. It does make sense. If Harbinger is controlling the other reapers, it would make sense to destroy him. Lets worry about that if the device doesn't work.
MM: Where to now?
CS: Now we head to the Citadel. The asari councilor wants to talk to me about something. No idea what about.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Liara has the right thing to say.

Shepard Log 7

Anderson: How come he always uses the pigeons photos to shift the blame?

Shep: Sounds like you have experience.

And: You know how they said you'd be the first Spectre, well, you won't really be the first. They wanted me as a Spectre, but Saren dumped me into a lot of pigeon poop to ensure that doesn't happen.

Shep reloading the gun: I can interrogate those pigeons.

And: I'd rather you interview this list of useful people who can prove his evil intentions.

Shep: Right. But let's not discount the pigeons.

Chorban: If I could just inconspicuously crawl under the Keeper and take a shot of his thigh...

Shep: Oh! Oh! A stalker photographer! I'm good at posing!

Chorban: I'll give you candy if you photographs all the Keepers on the station.

Kaidan: Let's not address the issue how that's illegal.

Shep: Deal!

Preacher: And so the Enkindler came and...

Shep: A talking jellyfish telling sea stories! I love sea stories! Have you heard about the Little Mermaid? Let me tell you about it. I'm great at imitating Sebastian's voice! We can also go out for sushi. Do you like sushi?

Preacher: A divine voice in my head says I have an appointment on the other side of the galaxy. Bye!

Shep: Anderson said to dig up dirt on Saren. This info trader Barla Von he mentioned sure looks like the skunk I know.

BV: It's YOU! The Shadow Broker called Saren a big meany who won't play tag with him anymore and sent a Krogan with bullets to tag the right people! The info is FREE! FREE due to exceptional circumstances. Be gone now!

Shep entering Chlora's Den: Whoo! Party! And a General dripping snot all over a table.

Kaidan: Surely, no woman is worth that much snot.

Ash: Shows you never had a girlfriend.

Septimus: I probably won't either unless this mess gets cleaned up. I just need someone else to clean it. I done goofed framing the Consort.

Shep: What do you know, Xeltan thinks she's the one who revealed his embarrassing secrets and you've done shifting through Elcor dirty laundry all on your own.

Ash: Now that we're in the middle of the soap opera, how about we also investigate a despicable drunk in the corner.

Harkin: WoooF!!! What an ass! I bet it wants to join me!

Shep: Before you get even drunker with some donkey, we need to know where Garrus is. But make sure you put roller blades onto the donkey before the booze. Then you can ride naked through the hallways.

Harkin: I bet that would put an entire c-sec in an uproar. Fun itself can't pull the regulations stick out of their asses. They suspend anyone related to it without pay.

Shep: What a nice guy. I wander why Anderson said that he got fired.

Harkin: Said the guy who got kicked out of the Spectres and keeps failing to blame Saren for it.

Ash: I think it's lunch time. When was the last time you've tasted a knuckle sandwich?

Harkin: Garrus went that way.

Okay, after about three weeks, I'm finally caught up in writing Barbie Shepard's exploits. Parts of it seem unfinished because I cannot think of anything good, and what is there is admittedly not that great. But I want to get this posted so I can continue playing the games. I think I will split this up in a few posts.


Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...



Illium cop: Please step back, this is a crime scene.

Barbie: Of course it is! It should be a crime to look this good!

Jack: Fuck you.

Tela Vasir: Actually, someone tried to kill your friend. We need to find out why. We've been searching the

apartment for clues, but haven't found anything. Hopefully she left information on a data pad or data

disc--

Barbie: Found it!

Vasir: I hate you.

Barbie: (putting the data disc in a data viewer) Hopefully it's porn!

Image of Liara and a Salarian plays...

Barbie: Homemade porn! Even better!

Vasir: What the hell is wrong with you?

Garrus: We all ask the same thing.

The recording ends.

Barbie: Dammit, it's not porn.

Vasir: Let's just... go to the Dracon Trade Center and find Liara.

At the Dracon Trade Center...

Vasir: I guess we missed the party.

* Big explosion *

Barbie: Oh no! My stock options!

* More explosions *

Vasir: They just took out three floors to make sure she's dead!

Barbie: She better not be. She still owes me money!


* * *

Vasir: Dammit. If I had been just a few seconds faster I could have stopped him.

Barbie: My fault, actually. I had to take a bathroom break.

Vasir: I thought you were fighting the Shadow Broker's mercs.

Barbie: I was, but I had to go pee. I drank a giant bottle of soda earlier and I couldn't hold it in

anymore.

Vasir: I didn't need to know that.

Barbie: Actually it was more like two bottles of soda.

Vasir: I don't care.

Barbie: Actually I ended up peeing my pants.

Vasir: Goddamn you. Did you at least find your friend's body?

Liara: You mean, this body?

Barbie: Technically, yes?

* * *

(Vasir gets into a car and drives away)

Liara: She's getting away.

Barbie: No she's not. Get in Garrus!

Jack: Hey, what about me?

Barbie: Sorry, no room!

Jack: But there's another seat...

Barbie: Too late! Bye! (drives off)

Jack: How am I supposed to get back to the Normandy? I don't have any credits.

* * *

Barbie: (starts humming loudly)

Liara: Shepard, what you doing?

Barbie: Humming my own car chase music!

Garrus: Liara, move over. I want to jump out.

Liara: I've already tried. The doors are locked.

Barbie: (starts singing loudly) Ba ba da ba ba da ba ba da BOP BOP!! Ba ba da ba ba da ba ba da BOP BOP

BAAAAAAH!!

Garrus: This nightmare is never going to end.

* * *

Liara: They're dropping in on trucks!

Barbie: (hoisting rifle) All right! Shooting gallery! It's like Christmas on my birthday!

Merc 1: This seems like a bad plan.

Merc 2: I told you it was a bad plan, but would any of you listen to me? Nooooo!

Merc 3: I need to go to the bathroom.

Merc 1: I told you go before we left!

Merc 3: But I didn't need to go the bathroom before we left.

Merc 2: I hate you all.

Barbie: I hate you more! Eat my ass!

Liara: Is that human expression?

Garrus: I don't care any more.

* * *

Vasir: Drop your weapons or I'll kill the hostage!

Barbie: What if I kill the hostage?

Hostage: Don't kill the hostage!

Vasir: Why would you kill the hostage?

Barbie: Would you rather I try to talk you down?

Garrus: Oh please don't.

Liara: Screw this. (Uses biotics to hit Vasir with a table)

Barbie: Nice hit!

Liara: I was trying to hit you.

* * *

Vasir: Do you have any idea what Cerberus has done?

Barbie: Yes, and it doesn't matter.

Vasir: I think it does: Kidnapping kids for biotic death camps, killing admirals who ask questions...

Barbie: Cloning giant space bugs, hooking up autistic savants to the Geth Consensus,...

Vasir: What?

Barbie: Turning a human colony into husks, attacking the Quarian Flotilla,...

Vasir: And you're with them!

Barbie: Well they did spend billions of credits to get me back into fighting shape, so it all evens out in the end.

Vasir: You cannot be serious.

Barbie: You want to see my tattoo?

Vasir: I'm just going to die now.

Garrus: If only we were so lucky.

Woohoooo! Reading material!

We arrive at Sanctuary. A few moments later, we encounter a few enemies. Then...that's...horrible. I'm going to be sick. Cerberus turned the people into the uglies. Why? The Commander deals with more uglies and learn Cerberus is trying to control the reapers. I found myself crying. 

Back on the ship, everything was very quiet. We're heading to the Citadel to pick up supplies. 

Barbie wants you to write more about her.

So, I figured out what was wrong with my TV yesterday... mostly. I play on console, so to capture video my Xbox is hooked up to my capture device which in turn is hooked up to my TV monitor. Either my capture device failed or one of the cables between the device and monitor failed. At this point I think the device may have failed.

So the good news is, I can play as long as I hook my Xbox directly to the TV monitor. Bad news, is I cannot record any gameplay off of it right now. A real shame, since I wanted to record some stuff. Oh well.

Barbara "Barbie" Shepard...


Aresh: Just leave me here. This is where belong.

Jack: Fuck that!

Barbie: Kill him!

Jack: Don't tell me what to do!

Barbie: Then don't kill him!

Jack: Don't tell me what NOT to do!

Barbie: Then what do you want to do?

Jack: Whatever I damn well feel like!

Barbie: And what do you feel like?

Jack: I don't know!

Aresh: Do I get a say?

Jack and Barbie: NO!!

Barbie: How about if I shoot him?

Jack: No! I'll shoot him!

Barbie: So you're going to him?

Jack: No! Get out of here, Aresh. (Aresh leaves)

Barbie: Okay. So let's plant that bomb.

Jack: Good. Let's put it in my old room.

Barbie: Okay. Put it down.

Jack: Put what down?

Barbie: The bomb.

Jack: I don't have the bomb. You have it.

Barbie: I don't have the bomb. I thought you had it!

Jack: You mean to tell me that you left the bomb in the shuttle?

Barbie: No, I'm telling you that YOU left the bomb in the shuttle.

Jack: I never had the bomb! You had it!

Barbie: I never had the bomb, because I thought you were bringing it!

Jack: FUCK!

(moment of silence)

Barbie: So.... Do you want to hear about the time I licked candy off an Elcor's ass?

Shepard Log 9

Fist's worker: Um... I have this pistol in a trembling hand and I'm pointing it at you.

Shep: Have you ever considered a career in gardening?

Dead bodyguard: I'd accept that offer.

Fist's workers run off in a cloud of dust: Better gardeners than fertilizers!

Fist: Who needs bodyguards when they've got turrets?

Left Turret to the Right Turret: How come there isn't a window we can jump out of?

Fist: Don't hurt me! All I've done was set up that Quarian on a blind date with Saren's men! How could I stand in the way of love?

Shep: Eww! Aren't his contacts always covered in pigeon poop? Must save Quarian from horrible fate!

Garrus: What about this guy?

Shep: Didn't some Krogan want to make him toothpaste?

Garrus: Good point.

Contact grabby hands: You're hawt! How about you give me the info and then just give me?

Tali: How about I shoot you in the reproduction organs?

Shep: Way ahead of ya!

Tali: I suppose this is a good moment to tell you that I've extracted info from a dead geth which reveals Saren faking the photographs with bunnies and pigeons.

Shep: Even the Council will have to admit how his posture is terrible!

Anderson: Let's go listen to Udina yell at them.

Udina: I demand you send 63 flotillas, 9 fire trucks and Chuck Norris to arrest Saren! He must scrub floors every night in all restaurants on Citadel to make up for his crimes!

Council: uh huh For a puny, non-contributing civilization you sure make lots of demands. Do you know how much money Chuck Norris will ask for?

Councillor A: Was that Benezia in one of the shots?

Shep: That sounds like a nasty skin rash.

Councillor A: That sounds like a Matriarch biotic who can blow a hole in the wall with your body before her followers feed you to the crickets.

Shep: Ewww! Whoever would want bugs following them to use as garbage disposal? Does this mean she has to cuddle them so they'd stay? Tuck them in at night? Read a bedtime story?

Udina: Let's just make Shepard a Spectre and you won't have to pay Chuck Norris.

Anderson: What about those Reaper thingies?

Shep: GASP! I know what that beacon was mumbling about! The Conduit it like a toilet plug! If Saren pulls it open...

Council: How many times do we have to say, we don't accept hallucinations as evidence! Take your Spectre status and get out!