OneWomanArmy
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Post by OneWomanArmy on Sept 2, 2016 6:44:37 GMT
I think you guys are going after the wrong people if all you can think of as basic human qualities are money, appearance and humor. People are a lot more complicated than that, even when they tell you otherwise. If a woman or man is looking only for money and looks, then turn around and run away because they are just a narcissist, selfish assholes that will take everything they can from you and leave you empty inside (and in the bank). As I said before, having interests and hobbies is great when you want to meet and get to know easily new people. The common interests shared in groups dedicated to one activity are great conversation starters, and just doing stuff together can be enough to show parts of yourself you are probably too shy to talk about. You are out adventuring in the wild, someone in the group hurts themselves and you rush to help them and do all you can. People will notice this, they will remember what you did and it will bring some of them closer to you even if your social anxiety makes it so hard. This. A thousand times this. There's a lot I want to say on this subject but I have a bit hard to express and word myself in English sometimes, I mean get my point across in the right way, so I didn't say much but I watched Razrblck talk about it and liked his posts instead to show I completely agreed, not just this post btw but basically everything you've posted on this thread. You and I seem to agree a lot Razr, so I'm just gonna keep watching you speak or type. It's nice to see a guy who finally "gets it"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2016 7:06:32 GMT
so you advocate dating poor ugly people? #uglylivesmatter
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2016 11:22:44 GMT
so you advocate dating poor ugly people? #uglylivesmatter Well if only the good looking people get to date then there's gonna be a big bunch of lonely people out there... Be bold and self confident and you're bound to find the right person.
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OneWomanArmy
N5
Queen of BSN
I’m a brilliant brunette with lots of blonde moments 😜
Games: Mass Effect Trilogy, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2, Dragon Age Inquisition, Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Jade Empire, Mass Effect Andromeda
XBL Gamertag: Theonewomanarmy
PSN: HypnoticEyes
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Posts: 4,360 Likes: 12,217
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Post by OneWomanArmy on Sept 2, 2016 12:30:54 GMT
so you advocate dating poor ugly people? #uglylivesmatter Well if only the good looking people get to date then there's gonna be a big bunch of lonely people out there... Be bold and self confident and you're bound to find the right person. I agree. And to me it's not about looks alone. I value personality a lot more. Someone good looking with a rotten personality won't do me any good, I won't be attracted to such a person but on the other hand a less attractive person with an amazing personality... I could definitely start to love such a guy, start seeing him as handsome and attractive.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2016 12:37:13 GMT
so you advocate dating poor ugly people? #uglylivesmatter Well if only the good looking people get to date then there's gonna be a big bunch of lonely people out there... Be bold and self confident and you're bound to find the right person. i call it natural selection
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Post by KingTony on Sept 2, 2016 13:46:16 GMT
Well if only the good looking people get to date then there's gonna be a big bunch of lonely people out there... Be bold and self confident and you're bound to find the right person. I agree. And to me it's not about looks alone. I value personality a lot more. Someone good looking with a rotten personality won't do me any good, I won't be attracted to such a person but on the other hand a less attractive person with an amazing personality... I could definitely start to love such a guy, start seeing him as handsome and attractive. Agreed, it's what's inside that counts.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2016 19:07:03 GMT
^I think you have to be nice of course but you have to be yourself too. I personally don't like being treated like a porcelain doll. A bit of teasing in a relationship is healthy and fun. I'm not saying it's easy but if you're relaxed and funny around the girl that's about all that's required. Boldness is good if you're the bold type. Some guys can end up being even more awkward because they're trying too hard to be someone they're not. Just be honest with your feelings. If you're interested, don't pretend you're not interested (I'm guilty of having done this in the past too). Confidence is attractive but don't fret if you're not the confident type. I believe there's someone for everyone. It's not a contest to get the prettiest and most popular girl in the school. If you're an awkward nerd, maybe there's a cute shy girl hiding somewhere who will find your vulnerability touching? Of course it requires you to question your own attractions too. I do believe that someone can change in a good way though. it's not easy, and yes at the beginning, you could be even more awkward, but with some efforts, with experience, you'll get better and better. What do you have to loose ? It's like asking for a date. The first time, it's a disaster, the second time, it's a bit better, the third time, much much better, every single time you try, you definitely win experience regardless of the result, and you learn from possible mistakes. You become more confident even if you aren't aware of that. And after that, you are really good at it, to the point that you don't even have to think a little, it comes alone, you could launch a speech to anyone immediately, just like that if you suddenly decided to do so, because you saw someone that catched your eyes. You are not being dishonest by trying to work over yourself, by trying to improve your social skills. You are not going to be someone else because you decided to be a better skilled man at something and to do more efforts. Being willing to stop looking at your shoes when a girl please you and whenever talking to you, being willing to be more comfortable when there are women around isn't bad thing. Being willing to stop being nervous and feeling awkward either. If aything, if a man wants to wake up, I'd support him. Shyness can be overcome. The issue with shyness is that you cannot show who you are, and then you can be sometimes considered as bland in interactions with others, while it's not necessarily the case. If anything, being shy can actually hide who you you are when you are comfortable in private. i've been shy in the past, it's not the case today, that doesn't mean i'm not myself. I'm still the same guy. I even think I'm a better man, more mature. Though, I admit, plenty of folks i knew in high school are always like wow, you' have changed, you seem different. That's how reacted my current girlfriend by the way just before dating her. I already knew her years ago and we already talked together in the same house of the same friend, but I didn't catch her eyes at that time. At that time I was mostly silent, not talking much, or when I did, it wasn't really noticed in the circle. Let's say that she hardly remembered me at the beginning when we saw each other again, at the beginning. She admitted it. I've met her again in my friend's house years after. Forgotten the guy she talked to years ago. I smiled to her everytime I talked to her and everytime she talked to me, always looking into her eyes, never looking elsewhere, almost insolent. I wasn't trying too hard, I wasn't dishonest, i was myself. I've just changed, that's it. I was assertive with my opinions and talked a lot, joked a few times with her at the table with folks around. She told me fitfh times during the same night " it's unbelievable how much you changed. " When asomeone repeats you something like that several times with stars in her eyes during the same day, you cannot be mistaken about what she feels about you, no matter how pessimistic you could be. I always then asked : " what do you mean ? " She never succeeded to answer. She didn't know. I knew as well why she got this impression, but hey, I wasn't going to give her the reason. There were other folks in the house of my friend, it's like they totally disappeared, we talked and laughed together for four hours until 1 am. Never was so angry to leave a place. But it was time. But then my friend asked me to remain to sleep, as much as other people. Just before going to sleep, I came to wish her a good night, kissing her on the cheek, in a subtle but also seductive way. ( she is the only one I came to say good night as well ) Something happened, she turned her head elsewhere and she blushed while wishing me good night. Never I would have imagined years ago that I could be able to be that bold to do such thing. But hey, things can change if you want it. It's not a bad thing, quite the opposite. It's been two years that we are together now. Alo, I don't think anyone should limit himself about who he can choose. That's the spirit of a loser. If you like someone, go after her. But then, again, it requires being willing to be bold, and not fearing to be rejected. There is no magic, it's simple logic. Either you can work over yourself, either you decide to remain like that, and then, indeed you will be limited over your choices and will meet much more difficulty. Like I said, to each his way of behaving. I think I said enough over this topic.
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Post by crusty on Sept 3, 2016 4:58:21 GMT
I think there is a bit of safety in going for the "personality is all that matters" route. Syv is mainly taking about how social skills and appearances can start relationships, whereas a personality maintains and keeps a happy one. I don't really see how that is a bad thing, it's simply the truth. Unless there is benefit to doing otherwise, most people in our society will be nice, or at least neutral to people they come into contact with for the first time. Think of it as an open house for an auction. You need to make it look presentable. Why leave it unkempt when all that does is reduce the chance that other people will walk inside and really get to know the place (i.e you)? I think there is a bit of misunderstood conflation between a nice guy, and a "nice guy". The former is genuinely a decent person, the latter is putting on airs for the purposes of attracting female attention but actually have a rotten personality in reality. Think your average white knight who viciously lashes out at other guys who are perceived to be more successful with women because they are "jerks". The thing is though, while the former are the kinds of people I'd want to spend time with over the latter (and the people in this thread to me are of the former kind, not the latter), for the specific purpose of meeting new people, the difference is not very big. Why? Because the "nice guy" only rears his ugly side of his personality after his courtship has failed. During the courtship, he might be excessively nice and women will pick up on this, but generally speaking, the vitriol that comes from a "nice guy" doesn't come until after courtship is over. So if the nice guy and the "nice guy" both feel like a personality is enough (despite coming from very different places), you'll never see a real difference between the two until after any courtship is over. So this idea of being "nice" isn't that applicable, because presumably, most people are nice enough while they get to know people. Regardless of whether their intentions are genuine or not. What syv is ultimately arguing for is self improvement. It's not about changing your focus to things that are shallow in your life (money, appearance, etc), it's about improving the things you have control of in your life. If you can improve your appearance, there is no reason not to do it. If you can improve your money situation in life, do it, etc. Social skills can entropy, so go and put yourself out there to improve how you talk and communicate with others. And the goal for all this, is to become a more well rounded person. A side effect of which, becomes the ability to more naturally introduce people into your life that you want in your life, and have them get to know the real you. Worst comes to worst, you've given yourself meaningful goals for improving yourself as a person. That's not really a bad thing, is it? I dunno, I'm not really an expert when it comes to dating and relationships anyway. But I don't understand why there is a level of quiet pushback against syv's thoughts. IMO, it's just laying out the truth in a reasonable way. Faint heart never won the prince. That's why I went after mine aggressively. I won. It's just how it is bro. All a woman needs to get male attention is to look good and just not be a bitch (though even good looking bitches can get men without too much effort). A man needs to do a lot more to get female attention because women want more than just a good looking partner. It's just human nature and nothing we can do about. It's just supply and demand. Women are more picky than men. Any slightly above average woman will have a huge supply of men she can choose from, but she only needs 1, so yeah, supply and demand. Only the prettiest and/or richest and/or funniest men among us will have a similar experience to the slightly above average woman. That's just how it is. Personally I have no issue with the dating game. I'm not swimming in pussy but I look good enough and I can be funny enough to find a fair maiden to my liking whenever I put a little effort into it (keyword: "a little", I honestly don't feel like jumping through hoops for a woman nor do I have to, just grooming myself and being funny is often good enough). See, but that's where dudes have an edge. If you're not attractive, you've got other things to fall back on, like money, humor, or intelligence. The worst thing you can say about a chick before a blind date is that "she's really funny." Instant boner-killer. Game over. That relationship was done before it started. So yeah, above average women got game, but I think it's waaaay harder for the below average segment to find a way out. I will say, however, that it's a lot easier to get laid as a girl, because all you have to do is be willing. You'll find totally find someone if you're looking, and can even be fairly picky about it. Whilst this is a good point to make, I'm not sure that this is necessarily the case unless you combine it with age. A below average woman who is young enough with the right personality would still be able to nab a long term partner provided that other aspects of her life are in check, whereas it gets much difficult with an older woman. This is undoubtedly where men have the advantage. An older man presents no inherent impediment to fathering children, and it's well known that men tend to age better than women. A below average man who is older can still nab a long term partner if the other aspects of his life (health, wealth and personality) are in order. This is much more difficult for an older woman even if have also have these same things in order. Is it fair? No, of course not. But you can't fight Father Time. Yet.
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Post by Ravenous Bear on Sept 3, 2016 6:27:50 GMT
I think there is a bit of safety in going for the "personality is all that matters" route. Syv is mainly taking about how social skills and appearances can start relationships, whereas a personality maintains and keeps a happy one. I don't really see how that is a bad thing, it's simply the truth. Unless there is benefit to doing otherwise, most people in our society will be nice, or at least neutral to people they come into contact with for the first time. Think of it as an open house for an auction. You need to make it look presentable. Why leave it unkempt when all that does is reduce the chance that other people will walk inside and really get to know the place (i.e you)? I think there is a bit of misunderstood conflation between a nice guy, and a "nice guy". The former is genuinely a decent person, the latter is putting on airs for the purposes of attracting female attention but actually have a rotten personality in reality. Think your average white knight who viciously lashes out at other guys who are perceived to be more successful with women because they are "jerks". The thing is though, while the former are the kinds of people I'd want to spend time with over the latter (and the people in this thread to me are of the former kind, not the latter), for the specific purpose of meeting new people, the difference is not very big. Why? Because the "nice guy" only rears his ugly side of his personality after his courtship has failed. During the courtship, he might be excessively nice and women will pick up on this, but generally speaking, the vitriol that comes from a "nice guy" doesn't come until after courtship is over. So if the nice guy and the "nice guy" both feel like a personality is enough (despite coming from very different places), you'll never see a real difference between the two until after any courtship is over. So this idea of being "nice" isn't that applicable, because presumably, most people are nice enough while they get to know people. Regardless of whether their intentions are genuine or not. What syv is ultimately arguing for is self improvement. It's not about changing your focus to things that are shallow in your life (money, appearance, etc), it's about improving the things you have control of in your life. If you can improve your appearance, there is no reason not to do it. If you can improve your money situation in life, do it, etc. Social skills can entropy, so go and put yourself out there to improve how you talk and communicate with others. And the goal for all this, is to become a more well rounded person. A side effect of which, becomes the ability to more naturally introduce people into your life that you want in your life, and have them get to know the real you. Worst comes to worst, you've given yourself meaningful goals for improving yourself as a person. That's not really a bad thing, is it? I dunno, I'm not really an expert when it comes to dating and relationships anyway. But I don't understand why there is a level of quiet pushback against syv's thoughts. IMO, it's just laying out the truth in a reasonable way. Personally I find it baffling that some men put on the fake "nice guy" persona in order to get into a relationship with a women. Do they think they are deceptive enough to fool their potential partner that they are genuine nice guys, and how long do they think they can keep up their fake persona? I think eventually their true behavior will be exposed and they will pay the consequences. I am by far not knowledgeable in matters regarding to relationships but starting it off with such major deception seems illogical to me if they want a ltr. The longer the deception goes, the more they have to lie, and the lies build up over time. Making it harder to maintain the fake persona. I think being forthright and honest from the beginning in terms of personality is the way to go.
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Post by crusty on Sept 3, 2016 7:56:44 GMT
I think there is a bit of safety in going for the "personality is all that matters" route. Syv is mainly taking about how social skills and appearances can start relationships, whereas a personality maintains and keeps a happy one. I don't really see how that is a bad thing, it's simply the truth. Unless there is benefit to doing otherwise, most people in our society will be nice, or at least neutral to people they come into contact with for the first time. Think of it as an open house for an auction. You need to make it look presentable. Why leave it unkempt when all that does is reduce the chance that other people will walk inside and really get to know the place (i.e you)? I think there is a bit of misunderstood conflation between a nice guy, and a "nice guy". The former is genuinely a decent person, the latter is putting on airs for the purposes of attracting female attention but actually have a rotten personality in reality. Think your average white knight who viciously lashes out at other guys who are perceived to be more successful with women because they are "jerks". The thing is though, while the former are the kinds of people I'd want to spend time with over the latter (and the people in this thread to me are of the former kind, not the latter), for the specific purpose of meeting new people, the difference is not very big. Why? Because the "nice guy" only rears his ugly side of his personality after his courtship has failed. During the courtship, he might be excessively nice and women will pick up on this, but generally speaking, the vitriol that comes from a "nice guy" doesn't come until after courtship is over. So if the nice guy and the "nice guy" both feel like a personality is enough (despite coming from very different places), you'll never see a real difference between the two until after any courtship is over. So this idea of being "nice" isn't that applicable, because presumably, most people are nice enough while they get to know people. Regardless of whether their intentions are genuine or not. What syv is ultimately arguing for is self improvement. It's not about changing your focus to things that are shallow in your life (money, appearance, etc), it's about improving the things you have control of in your life. If you can improve your appearance, there is no reason not to do it. If you can improve your money situation in life, do it, etc. Social skills can entropy, so go and put yourself out there to improve how you talk and communicate with others. And the goal for all this, is to become a more well rounded person. A side effect of which, becomes the ability to more naturally introduce people into your life that you want in your life, and have them get to know the real you. Worst comes to worst, you've given yourself meaningful goals for improving yourself as a person. That's not really a bad thing, is it? I dunno, I'm not really an expert when it comes to dating and relationships anyway. But I don't understand why there is a level of quiet pushback against syv's thoughts. IMO, it's just laying out the truth in a reasonable way. Personally I find it baffling that some men put on the fake "nice guy" persona in order to get into a relationship with a women. Do they think they are deceptive enough to fool their potential partner that they are genuine nice guys, and how long do they think they can keep up their fake persona? I think eventually their true behavior will be exposed and they will pay the consequences. I am by far not knowledgeable in matters regarding to relationships but starting it off with such major deception seems illogical to me if they want a ltr. The longer the deception goes, the more they have to lie, and the lies build up over time. Making it harder to maintain the fake persona. I think being forthright and honest from the beginning in terms of personality is the way to go. Oh I agree. In the sense that I think that people who put on a fake personality will eventually get found out and the consequences of such can be quite severe. Beyond that, it's very taxing mentally. I wouldn't have the energy to maintain such a charade. I think that there are a decent amount of people that like to signal their virtues as a means of distinguishing themselves from the crowd, and "nice guys" are just a manifestation of that. For a few extreme examples, you occasionally hear stories about male feminists who on the surface, argue very stringently in support of women, but then are revealed to be shitbags, abusers, rapists, etc, themselves. Problem is that people always want to put their best foot forward, and that might include stretching the truth. Being honest and forthright is a good thing, but people always want the best for themselves too, so advertising your flaws/imperfections is a negative. And if you want to be happy, you need a certain level of self respect and selfishness. You can't feel like you've "settled" when you think you deserve better. That causes a heap of tension. Beyond that, if you lack self respect, you just won't make a good partner. Actually, this is what catches out a lot of "nice guys" in the first place. That lack of self respect, which women very quickly see as disingenuous behaviour. So they're filed away as "not relationship material". C'est la vie.
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Post by crusty on Sept 3, 2016 8:28:28 GMT
Okay since I realise I haven't even posted my own experience with BSN couples, let's have a short story. I first started dating a girl on the BSN in 2013. We both hung out mostly in the Off-Topic Lobby and hit it off really well. The feed, galleries and poll section too. Back when BSN had social features. We had been friends for a number of months before we started dating. She admitted her feelings to me that had been bubbling for a while and I'll be honest, I didn't take them too seriously at first. At the time, I didn't have a positive opinion of online relationships. All of my experiences with relationships and women up to that point happened offline. So I was a bit out of my element when faced with the prospect of committing to someone who was online. But I hit a point where I realised that I would come home from work and jump straight to the PC just to talk to her. And that we'd just talk for hours about whatever. So she won me over, and we have been together since that point. We have met each other, I was able to travel near her location for a long business trip, and she was able to fly to me and sneak into my hotel room for the duration. It was a pretty good feeling to know that she was exactly the same in person as she was online, it really validated my feelings about the relationship and my feelings for her. Which is why I suggest anybody who gets into an LDR meets ASAP and as much as possible, just to get that confirmation and understand how to move forward in the relationship. We're still apart for the moment, but working on a permanent solution to fixing that (otherwise why stay in the relationship), some days are easier than others, though no day is particularly easy when you have to settle for Skype or WhatsApp instead of a kiss or a hug. This is also why it takes a level of discipline and temperance that a lot of people don't have. LDRs present a lot of challenges that not everybody is equipped to deal with. I really cannot say whether I have what it takes to make it last till the end, but I've got what it takes to go through things day by day.
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Post by Arijon van Goyen on Sept 3, 2016 10:56:01 GMT
I have a romantic pic about coupling:
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2016 10:59:36 GMT
I have a romantic pic about coupling: SAVAGE
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Post by kouzje on Sept 3, 2016 11:09:49 GMT
I do believe that someone can change in a good way though. it's not easy, and yes at the beginning, you could be even more awkward, but with some efforts, with experience, you'll get better and better. What do you have to loose ? It's like asking for a date. The first time, it's a disaster, the second time, it's a bit better, the third time, much much better, every single time you try, you definitely win experience regardless of the result, and you learn from possible mistakes. You become more confident even if you aren't aware of that. And after that, you are really good at it, to the point that you don't even have to think a little, it comes alone, you could launch a speech to anyone immediately, just like that if you suddenly decided to do so, because you saw someone that catched your eyes. You are not being dishonest by trying to work over yourself, by trying to improve your social skills. You are not going to be someone else because you decided to be a better skilled man at something and to do more efforts. Being willing to stop looking at your shoes when a girl please you and whenever talking to you, being willing to be more comfortable when there are women around isn't bad thing. Being willing to stop being nervous and feeling awkward either. If aything, if a man wants to wake up, I'd support him. Shyness can be overcome. The issue with shyness is that you cannot show who you are, and then you can be sometimes considered as bland in interactions with others, while it's not necessarily the case. If anything, being shy can actually hide who you you are when you are comfortable in private. i've been shy in the past, it's not the case today, that doesn't mean i'm not myself. I'm still the same guy. I even think I'm a better man, more mature. Though, I admit, plenty of folks i knew in high school are always like wow, you' have changed, you seem different. That's how reacted my current girlfriend by the way just before dating her. I already knew her years ago and we already talked together in the same house of the same friend, but I didn't catch her eyes at that time. At that time I was mostly silent, not talking much, or when I did, it wasn't really noticed in the circle. Let's say that she hardly remembered me at the beginning when we saw each other again, at the beginning. She admitted it. I've met her again in my friend's house years after. Forgotten the guy she talked to years ago. I smiled to her everytime I talked to her and everytime she talked to me, always looking into her eyes, never looking elsewhere, almost insolent. I wasn't trying too hard, I wasn't dishonest, i was myself. I've just changed, that's it. I was assertive with my opinions and talked a lot, joked a few times with her at the table with folks around. She told me fitfh times during the same night " it's unbelievable how much you changed. " When asomeone repeats you something like that several times with stars in her eyes during the same day, you cannot be mistaken about what she feels about you, no matter how pessimistic you could be. I always then asked : " what do you mean ? " She never succeeded to answer. She didn't know. I knew as well why she got this impression, but hey, I wasn't going to give her the reason. There were other folks in the house of my friend, it's like they totally disappeared, we talked and laughed together for four hours until 1 am. Never was so angry to leave a place. But it was time. But then my friend asked me to remain to sleep, as much as other people. Just before going to sleep, I came to wish her a good night, kissing her on the cheek, in a subtle but also seductive way. ( she is the only one I came to say good night as well ) Something happened, she turned her head elsewhere and she blushed while wishing me good night. Never I would have imagined years ago that I could be able to be that bold to do such thing. But hey, things can change if you want it. It's not a bad thing, quite the opposite. It's been two years that we are together now. Alo, I don't think anyone should limit himself about who he can choose. That's the spirit of a loser. If you like someone, go after her. But then, again, it requires being willing to be bold, and not fearing to be rejected. There is no magic, it's simple logic. Either you can work over yourself, either you decide to remain like that, and then, indeed you will be limited over your choices and will meet much more difficulty. Like I said, to each his way of behaving. I think I said enough over this topic. Of course I don't have anything against trying to improve yourself as long as you are aware that your natural you isn't defective. And it's always better to show yourself in the best possible light. I have a few friends who think they're not good enough for someone to find them attractive. Objectively there's nothing wrong with them except what they think of themselves. From what I'm reading of your experience (and that's always nice to read such stories, gratz on finding the girls of your dreams!), what you did was being more honest with your intentions and putting yourself more upfront. If anything, I'd like my single friends to feel confident enough to show more of themselves to others because yes, they are awesome and everyone should see it. I'm not saying you have to limit yourself about who you're choosing. I'm saying that some guys tend to just scan a place and look for the most popular or attractive girl according to general criteria, then set they mind on her. Some guys choose to woo you because all their friends like you, in a sort of weird group dynamic. When you're on the receiving end of such attention, you're basically just a prize for a game that everyone is trying to win. The part of your post about competing with other guys reminded me of such experiences. Random friend of a friend calling you out of the blue. Painfully awkward moves you have to reject, trying to spare the person's feeling, which is hard when they insist a lot, trying to be bolder. It got me thinking a lot about why someone who doesn't even know me would put themselves through such misery when 1/ you never showed any sign of being interested, 2/ they don't even know you enough to have anything to like about you. I believe relationships start with a 2-way exchange. You talk to them, they talk to you. You both learn to know the other one and like what you're discovering. It's a feeling of connection. If that person didn't feel attracted to you because you're not X enough to their tastes, that connection didn't happen except in your imagination. I'm not saying they will never like you. Maybe they didn't really get to see the real you (I think that's what happened to you and your girlfriend). But I think it's a bad tendency people tend to have, thinking they are not enough for that person they're going after, so they have to change. The thing they should ask themselves first is: "Why are you going after this person who doesn't really have anything in common with you and who doesn't appreciate your personality?". If the real answer is: "I want to feel validated by landing this attractive girl", then you're doing it wrong.
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Post by Kenny Bania on Sept 3, 2016 11:29:18 GMT
Lots of tl;dr in here.
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Post by Gaston on Sept 3, 2016 11:37:36 GMT
Of course I don't have anything against trying to improve yourself as long as you are aware that your natural you isn't defective.Sadly that's not always the truth for everyone. I know plenty of people who are defective and have a long way to go before they'll ever be capable of getting and keeping a stable relationship. But if you meant Crusty specifically then yeah, he isn't defective. Some guys choose to woo you because all their friends like you, in a sort of weird group dynamic. When you're on the receiving end of such attention, you're basically just a prize for a game that everyone is trying to win. That absolutely never happens. Or maybe it happens once during a blue moon, but I've never seen it despite being an outgoing extrovert guy with outgoing extrovert friends who go clubbing on a semi-regular basis. Edit: To clarify, it never happens for the reason you said. I've seen it happen twice in my life where all my friends would go after the same girl, but that was simply because she was the only attractive and fun girl in the nearby vicinity. Once was in Switzerland where almost none of the girls spoke English except for this one Dutch girl who was extremely cute, the other time was in a club where literally that night we had the worst luck and all the girls were either ugly, or overweight, or just plain nasty, all but one. So yeah, in those two instances, we all ended up chasing after the same girl, but not because it was some kind of group thing or a game or something. But I think it's a bad tendency people tend to have, thinking they are not enough for that person they're going after, so they have to change. The thing they should ask themselves first is: "Why are you going after this person who doesn't really have anything in common with you and who doesn't appreciate your personality?". If the real answer is: "I want to feel validated by landing this attractive girl", then you're doing it wrong. This is 100% agree with. It's mostly guys who do this because guys tend to be shallow and only focus on looks and it's stupid. Sometimes a guy does it for the sake of feeling "complete". Society has this tendency to dehumanize men and make us feel like we're worthless without a girlfriend/wife, so that's why some guys just want a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend, so they don't have to feel like trash. It's stupid, but it's how it goes. Though girls do it too for the reason you said; they wanna feel validated. All their female friends have boyfriends so they have to have one too.
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I’m a brilliant brunette with lots of blonde moments 😜
Games: Mass Effect Trilogy, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2, Dragon Age Inquisition, Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Jade Empire, Mass Effect Andromeda
XBL Gamertag: Theonewomanarmy
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Post by OneWomanArmy on Sept 3, 2016 12:53:38 GMT
I started this thread to see if there were any online couples on bsn and to hear about people's stories and experiences within meeting love online but it has turned out to be so much more than that, in a good way. You guys have really shared not only your experiences but also your advice, which is very good in my opinion for others to see, others who are less experienced perhaps but also people in general. I'm really glad all of you are sharing so much, thank you
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Post by Shepenwepet on Sept 3, 2016 15:45:57 GMT
I'm not sure what you expected, it's a thread about romance and everyone here is from the BSN.
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Post by Kenny Bania on Sept 3, 2016 16:33:57 GMT
I'm not sure what you expected, it's a thread about romance and everyone here is from the BSN. k
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2016 18:06:22 GMT
I'm married to a person that also uses (or used) BSN, but I didn't meet him there.
I wouldn't actually date or want to meet a person I met on an internet forum or in a video game. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Post by panda5onix on Sept 4, 2016 3:57:59 GMT
I started this thread to see if there were any online couples on bsn and to hear about people's stories and experiences within meeting love online but it has turned out to be so much more than that, in a good way. You guys have really shared not only your experiences but also your advice, which is very good in my opinion for others to see, others who are less experienced perhaps but also people in general. I'm really glad all of you are sharing so much, thank you I too have enjoyed reading thread. When I have the time and energy, I'll share my story. I have learned so much from it, both the good and the bad I'd really like to contribute in this thread but to put my thoughts in a cohesive manner I know it's going to take a lonnng time XD But I appreciate every advice you gave me OWA
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I’m a brilliant brunette with lots of blonde moments 😜
Games: Mass Effect Trilogy, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2, Dragon Age Inquisition, Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Jade Empire, Mass Effect Andromeda
XBL Gamertag: Theonewomanarmy
PSN: HypnoticEyes
Prime Posts: A great deal, I'm an old timer
Prime Likes: A LOT....
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Post by OneWomanArmy on Sept 4, 2016 7:02:06 GMT
I started this thread to see if there were any online couples on bsn and to hear about people's stories and experiences within meeting love online but it has turned out to be so much more than that, in a good way. You guys have really shared not only your experiences but also your advice, which is very good in my opinion for others to see, others who are less experienced perhaps but also people in general. I'm really glad all of you are sharing so much, thank you I too have enjoyed reading thread. When I have the time and energy, I'll share my story. I have learned so much from it, both the good and the bad I'd really like to contribute in this thread but to put my thoughts in a cohesive manner I know it's going to take a lonnng time XD But I appreciate every advice you gave me OWA Thank you Panda and likewise, you helped me too with that last pm
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Post by BamBam the Destroyer on Sept 4, 2016 14:18:37 GMT
You guys scare a bit.
Some more that others.
As an evil, self-consumed, manipulative, calculating, callous, emotionless, and stubborn creature (I'm sure I could think of some more negative attributes, but I have to drive my mother to church soon and I might be overcome by guilt) I am proud to say I never dated anyone from BSN.
Well, to be fair, there were a handful of people that if I could have gotten them, I would have taken them in a heartbeat, but ya know. For every one of those, there is 10 people who scare me to the core, so it seems risky.
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Post by Arijon van Goyen on Sept 4, 2016 14:28:58 GMT
You guys scare a bit. Some more that others. As an evil, self-consumed, manipulative, calculating, callous, emotionless, and stubborn creature (I'm sure I could think of some more negative attributes, but I have to drive my mother to church soon and I might be overcome by guilt) I am proud to say I never dated anyone from BSN. Well, to be fair, there were a handful of people that if I could have gotten them, I would have taken them in a heartbeat, but ya know. For every one of those, there is 10 people who scare me to the core, so it seems risky. You need some alt-right bitchslapping! jklol In reality, the chances are, in short... You know how many years that clopper has given up on dating...
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Post by BamBam the Destroyer on Sept 4, 2016 15:15:19 GMT
I think there is a bit of safety in going for the "personality is all that matters" route. Syv is mainly taking about how social skills and appearances can start relationships, whereas a personality maintains and keeps a happy one. I don't really see how that is a bad thing, it's simply the truth. Unless there is benefit to doing otherwise, most people in our society will be nice, or at least neutral to people they come into contact with for the first time. Think of it as an open house for an auction. You need to make it look presentable. Why leave it unkempt when all that does is reduce the chance that other people will walk inside and really get to know the place (i.e you)? I think there is a bit of misunderstood conflation between a nice guy, and a "nice guy". The former is genuinely a decent person, the latter is putting on airs for the purposes of attracting female attention but actually have a rotten personality in reality. Think your average white knight who viciously lashes out at other guys who are perceived to be more successful with women because they are "jerks". The thing is though, while the former are the kinds of people I'd want to spend time with over the latter (and the people in this thread to me are of the former kind, not the latter), for the specific purpose of meeting new people, the difference is not very big. Why? Because the "nice guy" only rears his ugly side of his personality after his courtship has failed. During the courtship, he might be excessively nice and women will pick up on this, but generally speaking, the vitriol that comes from a "nice guy" doesn't come until after courtship is over. So if the nice guy and the "nice guy" both feel like a personality is enough (despite coming from very different places), you'll never see a real difference between the two until after any courtship is over. So this idea of being "nice" isn't that applicable, because presumably, most people are nice enough while they get to know people. Regardless of whether their intentions are genuine or not. What syv is ultimately arguing for is self improvement. It's not about changing your focus to things that are shallow in your life (money, appearance, etc), it's about improving the things you have control of in your life. If you can improve your appearance, there is no reason not to do it. If you can improve your money situation in life, do it, etc. Social skills can entropy, so go and put yourself out there to improve how you talk and communicate with others. And the goal for all this, is to become a more well rounded person. A side effect of which, becomes the ability to more naturally introduce people into your life that you want in your life, and have them get to know the real you. Worst comes to worst, you've given yourself meaningful goals for improving yourself as a person. That's not really a bad thing, is it? I dunno, I'm not really an expert when it comes to dating and relationships anyway. But I don't understand why there is a level of quiet pushback against syv's thoughts. IMO, it's just laying out the truth in a reasonable way. That's why I went after mine aggressively. I won. See, but that's where dudes have an edge. If you're not attractive, you've got other things to fall back on, like money, humor, or intelligence. The worst thing you can say about a chick before a blind date is that "she's really funny." Instant boner-killer. Game over. That relationship was done before it started. So yeah, above average women got game, but I think it's waaaay harder for the below average segment to find a way out. I will say, however, that it's a lot easier to get laid as a girl, because all you have to do is be willing. You'll find totally find someone if you're looking, and can even be fairly picky about it. Whilst this is a good point to make, I'm not sure that this is necessarily the case unless you combine it with age. A below average woman who is young enough with the right personality would still be able to nab a long term partner provided that other aspects of her life are in check, whereas it gets much difficult with an older woman. This is undoubtedly where men have the advantage. An older man presents no inherent impediment to fathering children, and it's well known that men tend to age better than women. A below average man who is older can still nab a long term partner if the other aspects of his life (health, wealth and personality) are in order. This is much more difficult for an older woman even if have also have these same things in order. Is it fair? No, of course not. But you can't fight Father Time. Yet. Your nice guy argument is for the most part spot on. But it is missing one strong point: There is no point in maintaining contact with a desired partner after they have definitively rejected you, whether you were "nice" or not.I mean, there is nothing good that can happen. Best case scenario is you are the awkward third wheel. Worst case scenario is you are branded as a potential sex offender or stalker or something like that by her and her clique and everything you do gets treated as part of some scheme. Neither of those are favorable outcomes. So, once you are rejected, it is best to cut the cord and save yourself the misery. "But I just want to be friends" Odds are they don't. Unless you were friends for a long time beforehand, you'll just come off as an obsessive wack job. "But if I be nice, good things will happen" Nope. Again, best case scenario is you are the awkward third wheel and you are awarded with lots of weird situations and utterly thankless responsibility. "I still have a chance" No you don't. If you do get a chance, odds are it won't be for years, it will be at a high cost, and by then you'd be a fool to still want it. "We can still have fun" No you can't. Every joke around her will be at your expense, or you will be vigorously and repeatedly threatened. You will be branded as a laughingstock, a threat, or both. You will be the outcast and expected to take it at every turn. They may seem like an awesome person, but after they shut you down - and it doesn't matter whether you wanted a chance or not - they are first and foremost a liability to you. At the very least, there are better things you could do with your time and energy. At the worst, they will make your life utterly miserable for no reason. Cut the cord by any means necessary before the situation escalates and you have to either surprise babysit her illegitimate children or find yourself in court. Thus, you must find a way to burn the bridge. Be an asshole. Don't answer the phone. Disregard her feelings. Laugh at her misfortunes. Be judgmental. Be hostile. Be insensitive. Be cruel. Be cold. Get rid of her before she ruins your life.
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