S--t my kid says: The Parenting Thread

14 years ago when I was based in Germany I drove back to the UK in my German registered car, driving up the motorway I got pulled over by a patrol car my eldest was asleep at this point, so I played dumb and pretended I didn't understand English to the copper who was attempting to tell me I had been driving a touch to fast and to keep my speed lower, just as he was waving me off my kid says " daddy stop trying to speak german" fortunately the copper laughed and told me to sod off before he changed his mind.....

my youngest last night was talking to his mother because she was sad that it was the last time she would get to watch kids at a christmass play, his advice was "its ok mum you can get a job with the BBC and then you can keep going to them" (if your not aware its a reference to jimmy Saville and some of his mates)

little bugger owes me a new keyboard for that one.....

This reminded me of my 4 year old.... she's afraid of loud noises (Ear plugs for fireworks, movie theatres, orchestras, etc.) When she's "done" and calls for me to come help her, I have to knock and say "here I come!" before entering the bathroom. She still has her ears covered.....because of one time I scared her coming through the door. 

Child (6 at the time) - "Dad, are we going to see Grandma and Grandad today?" (It was a Tuesday and they live 2 hours drive away)
Me - "Not today, mate. I have to work tomorrow and you have to go to bed soon."
Child - ......"You're a fool!" *door slams, crying ensues for at least 10 minutes*
Me - "Right, then."

I'm not a parent and the mini humanoid I currently watch can't speak but he has got some damn funny timing.

Today when I was watching him I got a little silly while I was speaking to him and trying to keep him smiling and told him that I was from the future and one day he will speak before I could finish he starts making a very distinct sound making me chuckle some. I tell him he's too young to speak and he stares right at me and makes the sound a few more times (Looked like he was trying to say Oh, which I say 'oh no' to him a lot in the mr bill voice) before getting the most annoyed look on his face and turning his head away from me.

According to his parents timing like that seems to be a thing with him, as a few weeks ago while they were tried and trying to eat he was having a temper tantrum and would not stop screaming. Finally, his dad turns to him and says 'Do you want us to die? Do you want to be a poor Batman?!' to which the little guy shuts up and shakes his head.

All in all just convenient timing but I still find it amusing none the less.

Tap, tap, tap...on my forehead.

4 year old - "Daddeeee, it's morning time. Geddup! Lazy bones"

It was 4am.

 That's even better than what the eldest used to do.

"I've lost my Iron Man" / "Is he on your pillow?" / "No!" / *checks - Iron Man is on pillow* 

My brother, to his son: What do you want for Christmas?

My nephew: ...I'unno.

My brother: Well what are you gonna tell Santa? (They were on their way to the mall to see Santa.)

My nephew: I'm gonna tell him that I pooped in the toilet.

that's why it takes longer to train them unlike puppies......

one of mine figured that because tom hanks wasn't animated in the polar express that the whole film was non animated, his girlfriend shattered his world when they were in bed one afternoon by saying she didn't want to watch a cartoon and could he put something else on, poor stressed Eric was so outraged by the suggestion his favourite film wasn't real he got dressed stormed downstairs and ranted loudly about how stupid she was...... he's spent the last 13 months getting ribbed about it by the youngest one whenever a question of reality crops up the inevitable question of "why is tom hanks in that ?" being shouted loud enough to wake the dead which always results in him getting red faced and laughter echoing from everyone else In the house...


kids are like the gift that keeps on giving but only so long as your wallet remains open.... but not matter how old they get they still come out with really bone things

*comes bursting through my office door this morning*

"MOMMA! I TOLD DADDY YOU GOT A IPOD FOR CHRISTMAS FOR HIM."

I was watching my 5 year old niece last week and she built this giant tower out of legos..she spent a fair amount of time constructing it....and she was picking it up to go show her sister when it fell over and shattered...she looked at it then looked at me and said " Dammit."
of course I wanted to tell her not to say bad words ( cuz I imagine my sister would have done the same thing) but she said it correctly and at the appropriate moment so I let it slide.

My oldest, 4 and 8 months, was showing her sister, 3 tomorrow, how to wash her dolls frock. I wish I had gotten there before the rinse cycle. Our pipes are going to need cleaned again.

And they are so pleased that they were able to help.

Where I am from the correct form of endearment when telling some one good bye, is “ta-rra”.

When I was young I would escape my nanny and go into the kitchen. The cook would always give me something. Celery with cheese spread, or a biscuit and sometimes I got a teacake. Then she would say, “Be gone wi theur.” And I would return to the nursery. So, as our children have grown and nap time comes, I have always told them, “Be gone wi theur.” Somehow my oldest has taken this as a way of saying, good bye and now when her mother is leaving the house she says, “Be gone wi theur ta-rra.”