The Mass Effect PUNiverse (v2)

This is a place to post your Mass Effect puns

What is the most common question the Geth ask when they're out shoe shopping?...
"Does this platform have a sole?"

I heard Claudia Black likes to meditate... because she is a Xen master.

What does Wrex say when he wants to be in the front seat of a car?...
"Shotgun!"

Did you hear what the Reapers do to dogs?...
They turn them into huskies.

What gift was waiting on the ship 'Purgatory'?...
A jack-in-a-box.

If you think I'm going to take the virtual tour then you're 'avina laugh.

What do the Cerberus law enforcers give when they arrest someone?...
Their Miranda Rights.
(this enforcer will say: "I'm only following the law,son")

YOU KILLED WREX??? I don't be-wreave it!

If you fight an Asari commando, make sure to take an antibiotic beforehand.

The Mass Effect exploration vehicle may be sponsored by Shinra... because it uses a lot of MAKO energy.

How do the Batarians make a fire?...
They use a blighter.

What happens to Ashley when she is left on Virmire?...
She becomes Ghoulash.

I never visit Sha'ira on the Citadel because she appears to be the criminal type... you know the con sort.

I'll never trust the Geth because they're always on the Con census.

What did one of the Quarian Admirals say when she saw the Geth approaching?...
"Raan Away!"

What did the naked Krogan shout in the Citadel?...
"I need to find Michel"

What is a popular sweet among Quarian children?...
Bubblegum

What is Al Jilani's favourite drink?...
Punch

Shepard was going to go to the gym but must consult the Traynor beforehand.

Did you hear about the vampire who's got a vendetta against Aria's men?...
He was heard shouting: "All I want is the Blood Pack!"

What type of help was on offer the most in Mass Effect 1?...
Counciling

What does a pyro vorcha say to the employees?...
"You're fired!"

Why did the Drell lose to Kai Leng?...
because he Thane-ted.

People who wanted Barla Von as a LI suffer from the condition of Volust

Today, I shouted: "Geth are stupid"
The Geth replied: "Incorrect, this is armature unit"

How do you solve the Peak 15 puzzle?...
By using a Mira.

What did Kaidan's biotic trainer say about his abilities?...
Eezo good!

Mordin's loyalty quest is fantastic, you could say... I'm a massive fan.

You best save the Krogan female on Sur'Kesh, otherwise... the battle will turn ev'ill.

I took a Hanar to a fish market the other day, all it was interested in was the sole names.

The fisherman said he caught a lot. He was lucky he was carry an extranet.

When travelling to other planets, be careful when your walking in the forest. You may encounter bio-ticks.

Renegade Shepard didn't like a certain crew member's attire.
Shepard says: "Jacob's Tailor needs shooting"

What do you call a Council operative who spends a lot of time in the tavern?...
An Inn-spectre.

What did Chorban say when he found his data?...
"Finders Keepers"

Why shouldn't you take Legion golfing?...
He normally has a hole in one.

How can you describe Shepard after helping Miranda?...
Assister

In the German version of Mass Effect, what is a common Krogan greeting among the Aralakh Company?...
Guten Dagg

What type of sandwich did Koris eat when he touched down on Rannoch?...
The ones with jammin'

What did Shepard say to Gavin to make him happier?...
"Archeer up!"

Thane's condition deteriorated in the latter stages of his condition and it affected his eyesight. When Shepard was standing in front of him, Thane said he couldn't siha.

You can't get a straight answer out of Kasumi. She too much of a 'Keiji' character.

What did Shepard say to Dr Warren (at the start of the Trilogy) after the punch?...
"Life doesn't come with a Manuel"

People who wanted Mordin as a LI suffered from the condition Solust.

I didn't like Aria's second-in-command because he was too... abraysive.

What does Shepard say to the Admiral when failing to take a Geth Outpost?...
"I couldn't Hack-ett"

One mercenary group doesn't operate in Asari territory because... No Blue Sons are allowed.

Garrus likes to do canon playthroughs.

Citadel philanthropist's are always looking to get a-ward named after them.

If Iraq had a monarch, they would have Irachni Queen.

Some people aren't keen of Omega because it is a shady aria.

After the events of ME3, Aliens who eat Krogan have developed a taste for cured meat.

The Salarians asked me to collect some items in the universe but I told them "ID rather not"

Shepard loves rock music because he/she was always on the lookout for a heavy metal sources.

One mercenary group has an episode on TV where they look at their 'best bits'...
It's eclipse show.

A Garrus/Shepard romance is a love/hate relationship because they keep butting heads.

Why did Shepard look in Miranda's wardrobe?...
To look at her perfect jeans.

Did you hear about when all the Mass Effect 2 crew played bingo?...
Kelly's Eye popped out!!!

Why do biotics look younger than most people?...
They give themselves a face lift.

Feron is a polite Drell... a-gent of the Shadow Broker.

Why should you be careful if you visit the Hanar homeworld?...
You might Kahje a cold.

What did the scientist say to Toombs?...
Don't Akuze me!

What type of winter sport do collectors/husks prefer?...
Scion

What Elcor phrase means 'no worries'?...
Dekuuna Matata

You might want to avoid beaches in the Mass Effect universe because (in the library)... I red sand is illegal.

There was a lot of dirty dancing in 'Bring Down The Sky' DLC... there were lots of thrusters.

What does EDI say when receiving an order?...
ai ai sir

What will Bioware call the spinoff dating sim?...
Mass Affection

What did Shepard say when discovering the body of Pressly?...
"that's the xo-skeleton"

How do the Hanar make holes?...
They use a Drell

What company makes glasses for robots?...
Synthetic In Sights

How many episodes would be needed to air a TV show about James Vega?...
It would end, N7 programmes.

Why did Petrovsky stand out from the other Cerberus Generals?...
He was always Oleg above the competition.

One of Palaven's moon didn't have Menae defences to fight the Reapers.

How did some people react to the ME3 ending?...
"You've got to be kid-ding me!"

The Turian captain on Omega is obsessed with killing Vorcha. Sometimes he can be heard screaming "PRAY TO GAVORN!"

Shepard didn't need to chase Benezia for the missing relay because the cows would know where the moo relay is. This relay was thought to be lost but these cows mooved it.

Some Tali fans didn't like how things ended because they took the romance at face value.

Anderson was ready to get something to eat when his assistant said "Udina is waiting"

Did you hear about the fraudulent Krogan on the Citadel?...
He wanted to phish on the Presidium.

What type of music do Asari like?...
The Blues

Where do the attractive scientists work on Noveria?...
The Hot Labs

Why did a Quarian die on a covert op?...
Their in-filtration didn't work.

What did Archangel build on Omega?...
A well fortified Garruson.

A criminal Asari wanted everyone's attention (on her homeworld). She said: "I've got something to con-thessia"

Hackett: "I'm not happy with your latest report Commander. There were gaps all over the place!"
Shepard: "Sorry sir, I spent a lot of time on the space-bar"

What type of drink does Tali prefer?...
Ta-Keelah

What's Tali's favourite Abba song?...
Chikit' ta

The starchild discriminates against the shifty looking cows... because it's a cattle-ist.

Why do some Cerberus engineers shout out randomly?...
They have Turrets.

What does Tali think about rebuilding her home?...
She's bricking it.

Why would Kirrahe be good at teaching fishing?...
He would tell his students to 'hold the line' at all costs.

I know someone who has a lot of mechs... he's a LOKI guy.

The Leviathan can take a lot of damage because... it absorbs attacks.

How does Grunt drink alcohol?...
With a tankard.

What was the biggest question facing Shepard when wanting to use the Omega relay?...
IFF it can be done.

What did the Salarians say to the Krogan when handing over reparations for the Genophage?...
"We can't leave the Krogan unchequed!"

Did you hear about the club that didn't allow the Asari in?...
There was a ban-shee policy.

What did Vasir say to Shepard in their first encounter?...
I cannot Tela lie.

Killing a reporter via Twitter is just... Wong.

Encountering the antagonist on Virmire was a bit of... Sarendipity.

What were Donovan's guards doing at the party?...
They were watching Hockey.

What do Batarians shout when jumping in a swimming pool?...
CANNIBALLLL!

Reapers don't like to waste energy... they have a habit of recycling.

What did Shepard say when seeing the hybrid Turian/Krogan?...
"You brute-y"

On the suicide mission, the fight in the Cargo Hold was a bit of a chore... eye hated it!

How did Miranda get her friend to steal from shops?...
She'd shout "HURRY UP, NIKET QUICK!"

One type of enemy is primed to explode... a few Klixen Boom.

What happened when Liara was surprised?...
Her eyebrows lifted.

What did Renegade Shepard say when interrogating Elias?...
"Can't we just Kelham instead?"

I didn't like playing through Horizon because... it was full of bugs.

What did Shepard say to inspire people on the ship?...
"Don't worry people, this is the place where no-man-dys"

It's hard to find the hospital in the Citadel... some people don't know Huerta go.

The Mass Effect 2 crew didn't make it to Earth... they were FOBed off.

How did Shepard give details about a shipping manifest to a Krogan?...
By Thax.

What did Shepard say to Kenson when the Reaper artefact was unveiled?...
"Rho No!"

How do women give birth on the Citadel?...
They do it by the C-section.

Tali's in charge of giving new recruits alcohol... she said "Here's the induction port everyone".

The Mass Effect 2 mercenary companion might be from California... because he's from the West Zaeed.

One Shepard class is very old fashioned. Instead of an email, they would have preferred information sentinel letter.

How does Doran check on how many people entered the casino?...
He checks the Flux capacitor.

What would Ned Flanders (from The Simpsons) say if he was the one needed to save Grissom Academy?...
"O Kahlee dokely"

How did Shepard find Samara?...
By following a copper lead.

How did Garrus kill Dr Saleon?...
By encouraging a heart attack.

How do the Geth kill insects?...
They use a bug sapper.

It's difficult to get to know Petrovsky because he doesn't bring down his barriers.

Why are the Hanar considered fire experts?...
They have experience, enkindling.

What happened when James was in charge of a mission?...
He Fehl at the last hurdle.

Why was James good at poker?...
It was through Vega's experience.

Why are the Volus so sarcastic?...
They have a natural sense of Irune-y.

What did Shepard have in Mass Effect 3 (in comparison to 2)?...
A crew cut.

How do Quarians cover up their suits?...
They use masking tape.

Why did Liara liquify the Shadow Broker?...
She wanted a yahgurt.

A crew member died on the Suicide Mission while they were hacking... it was a vent full to say the least.

What did Tali find out about Haelstrom?...
It doesn't matter.

Liara wanted a drink when she was working on the Prothean Archives... she was heard saying: "I wish I had a Mars bar".

How did Shepard check the crew's inner-self?...
By checking on Dr Chakras.

The Alliance doesn't have enough protection from the weather... Anderson said: "it's a major coats problem".

What did Cortez suffer from when searching for the Leviathan?...
A Kodiak arrest.

Why were the Quarians unaware of Tali's father's activities?...
Alareis were shut.

What happened when Joker took is LI to a local pub?...
She became the village EDIot.

Why do I make a lot of Mass Effect puns?...
I have too much space between the ears.

What happened to Private Campbell in the Citadel DLC?...
She was mugged.

Shepard's pet is a celebrity... I heard there's a hamstar on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame.

Why shouldn't you kiss Diana?...
She has Allertosis.

Which side mission in Mass Effect 2 is infuriating to complete?...
Jarrahe Station because it can leave you pretty steamed.

In the Leviathan DLC, you should stick close to James because he knows hoe to get a head in life.

What did James say to the Volus in the Citadel DLC?...
"You want a pizza me!"

Shepard tried to surprise Tali but she already Zorah coming.

What did Shepard have in the Citadel DLC?...
A Clonic.

What did Wrex say to Subject Zero when offering some pastry?...
"Do you want some, pyjak".

Shepard went to get his/her hair cut and the scissors were too cold. Shepard said: "Hey! I wanted a thermal clip"

One Shepard class was an experiment of new ideas... it was the class of avan'guard.

How do Batarians rest their head to sleep?...
They use a Pillar Of Strength.

Why does Garrus drink Whiskey?...
He always turns to the spirits in a time of crisis.

What did Renegade Shepard do with Liara's info drone?...
Pushed it off a glyph.

What's Kirrahe's favourite human song?...
Hold The Line - Toto.

The Peak 15 puzzle was also know as... the Tower Of Hanoi-ance.

Why should you avoid having sex with a Salarian?...
You might end up with a STG.

One type of heavy weapon does tremendous damage. Shepard likes m'cain carnage.

The Geth are probably good samurais because they have experience in hacking opponents.

Some Asari are elitist/classist snobs who look down on all the poorbloods.

Kasumi is thinking about being a pugilist when she retires... she will be known as 'Kasumi the Grayboxer'.

If you didn't like this Kasumi pun, you can Goto hell.

How much does Avina weigh?...
About a hologram.

Why is Aria a social drinker?...
She tries to get everyone out on the lash.

Why don't Cerberus throw people in prison?...
They have a small number of cells.

Why doesn't Thane talk about his past?...
He doesn't like to Drell on history.

What happened when Tali went into the local antique collectors?...
She was thrown out because the owner is an antiquarian.

Did you hear about Bioware putting Harbinger on a pillow case?...
That's unexpected reapercussions.

What role did Legion have when escaping the Dreadnought?...
The Gethaway Driver.

What did Wrex say when the Krogan were cured?...
"Aralakh is finally changing"

What does Subject Zero say when she wins a bet?...
JACKPOT!

How will Tali build her home?...
By Rock-et

Shepard used a heavy weapon against a thirsty opponent... because it was dehydrated.

Did you hear about the Hanar Gordon Sumner impersonator?...
It was Blasto The Jellyfish Sting.

Where do you find Mass Effect crops?...
In Mass Effect fields.

What day did Shepard visit Haestrom?...
On Fryday.

Hackett: I've got a special job for you Shepard in Egypt on the canal.
Shepard: I cannot do that sir. I'm not doing another Suez-side mission.

What type of precipitation do Reapers prefer?...
Sove-rain

What did Javik say to Jack when looking at her head?...
"I can see you don't have a 'airlock"

What did Shepard say to the Blood Pack leader?...
"That's no way to Kreete me!"

Shepard's first introduction to Javik is... touching.

Shepard had a crew chat on whether to help Kahlee. The debate was... academic.

Morinth targeted a defenceless woman on Omega... she's a nefarious character.

A Mass Effect squad consisting of an Engineer Shepard, Tali and Garrus might be tech-ing things too far.

After the events of Mass Effect, The Illusive Man said Miranda always wanted to betray Cerberus. How did Miranda reply?...
She said it was a baseless accusation.

Shepard's final meeting with The Illusive Man and Anderson had varying tones. The Illusive Man wanted to turn the air blue and Anderson was seeing red.

What did Shepard say to the Quarian on Omega?...
"I Kenn help"

What did Shepard say when helping the Salarians on Omega?...
"Ish he for real?"

Did you hear about the movie where Blasto plays a cannibal?...
He plays a character called Hanarbal Lecter.

The Protheans came up with the original idea though because they had a movie called... Hannicol Lector.

Some people didn't like the ME3 ending because it was too... childish.

Did you see Kai Leng's impersonation of a pigeon?...
It was during his coup attempt.

It's a dangerous place in the kitchen of the Normandy. Shepard wanted extra security and said "I want a gard-n-er".

Thane found out about Leng's drinking problem in the Citadel Coup. Thane was shocked to see Kai Leng'stab.

What make of harvester is popular among farmers across the universe?...
The Elkoss combine.

What does Harbinger say when he wants to drink from a cup?...
Assuming direct control of this vessel.

What happened when Kal was struck by the Geth Colossus on Haestrom?...
Reegar-mortis set in.

What did Shepard say to Kaidan during the Coup standoff?...
"I see we have a Major problem today!"

What sport did the Protheans excel at?...
Discus (well they did leave a lot of Prothean Discs all over the place )

Asari royalty expected some elegant transport but they were left disappointed because justicar was waiting.

Why did Shepard shoot the scientist?...
because he knew Mordin he should've.

Exo-geni corporation is a place that collects useless magical lamps.

What race is good at handling a football?...
The Keepers

Why was EDI shocked when she was at the VI stage?...
She got mooned.

If Harbinger wanted to play Mass Effect 2, it would play the... Collector's edition.

Benezia went to Noveria because it Peaked her interest.

How did Shepard find out about Project Overlord?...
By seeing David on the extranet.

And what did David say to his rescuers?...
"Atlas-t you're finally arrived"

How do Eskimos keep out the sun?...
They put a snowblind round their igloo.

Shepard wanted to know where Grunt found an acorn. Grunt points to the nearby tree and says: "From the Okeer!"

Jedore is a French character I love.

Some of clan Urdnot have started intertwining materials in their spare time. Thy call this pastime Wreaving.

Where does Victus go for clothes shopping?...
Primarch

How did Okeer make a sandwich?...
He put some filling between some tank bred.

What did Shepard say when releasing Dr Archer's brother?...
"Now, I have your un-davided attention"

What did Grunt say when getting releasing?...
"Tank you!"

Which country appreciates the Quarian companion the most?...
Itali

What did Traynor do when the Normandy was overrun with enemies?...
She brushed the whole thing off!

Which type of healthy dessert is popular in hospitals?...
A medi-jelly
(or the American equivalent of a medi-jello)

How do Salarians describe others with an emotionless face?...
They say they have two Solus black eyes looking back at them.

Who do the Asari consult with if they want to make a paella?...
Serrice Council

What did Falere say to Rila when Rila wanted to leave home?...
Stasis!

Who is the most popular green singer in the universe?...
Adrell
(she takes a break on the Citadel)

What is a common question on Dekuuna?
Is it an Elcor moose?

What does a greedy Hanar say when out on a shopping spree?...
"This one would like this one and this one and this one..."

Why can't you walk to Peak 15?...
It was a 'snow go' area.
If a guard caught you, they're obligated to shout "Freeze!".
(Icy, what you did there)

How does Shepard describe the amazing Macha Doyle?...
"Water Woman!"

I wouldn't stand too close to her though because she has a pumping problem.

What type of drink is Shepard familiar with?...
Shots

Miranda's not to be outdone though as I've overheard her saying her shots were fired.
A person who doesn't like pistols may prefer the automattock.

What type of TV programmes does Javik like to watch?...
Anything on the Dark Channel.

And where do Andromeda fans get their news?...
From the TV: D'ark Channel

Why shouldn't you take David Archer to the woods?...
He gets easily distracted and always tries to find square roots.

What is the Consort's bashful alter ego called?...
Shy'ira

How does Harrot encourage visitors to his emporium?...
By having Omega sale.

Where would you find singers on the Citadel?...
Chorus Den

Morinth: Have you heard about this Elcor artist?
Nef: It's something I've forta-bout

Why are the Rachni expert tea makers?...
Because they have specialists known as brewed warriors.

What are fans of the Apex predator known as?...
Leviafans

How did Thane find Kolyat?...
Well, first he had to lay down a mousetrap.

Why is Morinth so special?...
Her jeans are different from most other Asari.

What is Jona Sederis's favourite song?...
Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

In the Mass Effect universe, What is the most popular vegetarian milk substitute?
Zorya milk.

What did Shepard say when Tali's father was found?...
We've a Rael problem here.

What happened to the refinery workers on Zorya?...
They were fired.

Did you hear how Microsoft create AI apples?...
By using AI cores.

How long did it take to write Mordin?...
Weekes

How do Quarian children talk?...
They use a speech bubble.

Shepard went to buy some thermal clips at the gun store. The clerk was busy and told Shepard...
"Don't worry this will only take am-mo"

Why do the Geth avoid using Microsoft operating systems?...
They don't like using Windows.

What is a popular magazine among Cerberus operatives?...
TIMe magazine.

What would Wrex have done if Shepard wasn't at the summit?...
He would have knocked the Salarian on her Dalatrass.

Why did Subject Zero dress up as Harbinger for Halloween?...
To become "Jack The Reaper"

The Normandy crew were discussing what type of bird to have on the ship.
When the conversation was over, Liara went to speak with manshep who just came out of the shower.
Liara turned to Shepard and told him: "evidently, it should be a peacock"

In the Mass Effect universe, what is a common scarecrow alternative?...
A Krogan
 
Why is Xen known as one of the most prolific arms dealers in the Andromeda game?...
because everyone ends up using Ark pistols.

Andromeda is going to be a tempestuous ride to say the least.

What do you call Mordin when he wants to freeze everything in sight?...
A Cryo-practor.

Where do the people of Belgrade get their toys?...
Cerbe-R-Us

What did Shepard say to the Krogan who wants to eat fish?...
"You'll find some in the embassies"

The captain who was posted at the nuclear reactor had an easy job. She had... a life of Riley.

Mass Effect is like a traditional roleplaying game, some people were mad because they didn't have enough MP to see the end scene.

Others said the ending left them breathless.

What type of weapon shoots vegetables at enemies?...
The Geth Pulse Rifle

How do Vanguards power up their biotic phone?...
They use their biotic charger.

What do heavy weapons researchers say when they need to rest and eat some dinner?...
"We Ava-lanche break"

When is the best day to use incendiary ammo?...
Frydays

What did Shepard feel when encountering Dr Wayne?...
It was Toomb much to take in.

What do scientists shout in Cerberus constipation clinics?...
"Enemas everywhere!"

Rannoch is in a divided state.
The North Quarians want to be left alone and be isolated from the rest of the galaxy.
The South Quarians are on constant alert from the North and are more sociable of the two.
The leader of the North Quarians is Kim Jon-a.

What type of lavish sausages does Kasumi prefer?...
Flashbangers

Liara smoothers enemies with her biotics so her enemies can't... breave.

What do you call a curve of Cerberus snipers?...
Your Arc-Nemesis.

Did you hear about the Krogan magicians?...
They pull a vanishing act before you can say "Kro-gone".

What type of gifts do Adepts give their enemies?...
Pullovers.

Where do the younger Asari go to manufacture goods?...
I think it's China because a lot of the products say "Maiden China".

What does Wrex bet in roulette?...
evens.

What is an Adept's favourite exercise?...
Pull-ups.

How do you save money food shopping?...
By taking a 10 pound Vorcha with you.

What day did Shepard touch down on Haestrom?...
Sunday

What does Shepard think when facing a heavy mech up-close?...
Y...M...I...R

What did the VS say to Shepard when they met in ME2?...
"You need to open Horizon see what Cerberus is really up to!"

The Thorian is a... Ferosious creature.

How does EDI stay in shape?...
She eats a staple diet.

How do people in Mass Effect cut back their rosebush?...
They use a specialised Fornax.

What does the cameraman say about Miranda's outfit?...
"It's cracking!"

Miranda likes to interrupt Shepard by... butting in.

Did you hear about the Geth shop what sells vacuum cleaners?...
A Geth unit can be heard shouting "Get your Dyson sphere!"

And...
If you didn't like any of these, then I'm Asari.