Mental Health

Depression has always been in my family. My grandmother had it and to tell you the truth I'm not a Dr. and can't diagnose but she most likely had other issues as well. I don't know much because our family wasn't allowed to talk about it. Growing up, If I ever brought the issue up I'd get my ass handed to me. What my mother did tell me about my grandmother was that she was sent to Camarillo State Mental Hospital at three different times in her life and given electric shock treatment. My grandmother could be extremely sweet at times and others, abusive... However my family loved her very much and never blamed her.

My mother also dealt with depression (perhaps caused by my grandmother's abuse?) I don't know. As for me, I try not to discuss too much about my personal life on message boards, but I'm just glad that I'm surrounded by people who care about me.

I feel like there was a today I found out episode about this.

This does help and it doesn't have to be a lot of exercise at once. Take baby steps if you're really out of shape.

I've never been formally diagnosed with anything, but the 'armchair psychologists' have told me that I am quite a few things. Does that count?

Oddly enough now I feel like sharing my own situation, which is something I normally don't like to talk at all with anybody (it's something I have only ever talked with two close friends of mine, besides the good doctors and nurses who treated me). I suppose the fact, that this will have no social consequences of any kind prompts me. The exact diagnosis is recurrent depressive disorder, the intensity of episodes have ranged between mild to severe (never had any psychotic symptoms though. Something I used to be really afraid of, when I was younger, because the prominence of schizophrenia in my family. Both my uncle and grandfather suffered from it, and it has a very high heritability, and I have it both from my mother's and father's side. Now I am well past the typical onset age).

I noticed my condition at my early teens, but I didn't much about it. I always thought it as more like a bleak outlook, or unusual amount of black bile in my system. Sort of a melancholic temperament rather than a discrete mental illness, because episodes were mild, and I had no external reasons to be depressed. I was self-actualized, had a social life, no problems with family and so on. It was just that every now and then, I got the blues (maybe once in two months, maybe three), then after a week or maybe two, it always relented. Nearing to my twenties, it slowly dawned to me, that probably wasn't a quirk of personality, but perhaps something else (though I suspected manic depression erroneously back then, because of its episodic nature, never had truly manic impulses). As I had managed to deal with it for so long, I figured it would go on like that. It did for some years, until I had the depressive episode which didn't end, but lasted something close to eight or nine months, when I was at my early twenties.

It was sort of a haze or blur, when everything went wrong in multiple vectors of my life simultaneously. It's hard to decipher exact causalities of each individual component, it was more like a vicious cycle, where every shitty thing was feeding on each other on a positive feedback loop. The depression itself, six day workweek with long hours at the exploitative shit job, a relationship I had unrealistic hopes for fizzled out, increasing alienation from the society (philosophical and intellectual rather than social or personal), and I started to drink really heavily. Getting hammered every day after work for that 8-9 months (six times a week, sometimes seven). At end of that run, I just couldn't go on for much longer, and slowly made the decision to kill myself. One serious but incompetent attempt, which I obviously fucked up, and I ended up in a hospital. After that was over, it was strongly recommended that I should be transferred to a mental hospital (which I did consent, though at point I simply didn't care about anything. I think, there probably would've been a case for involuntary commitment, if it had been come down to that).

How you getting on these days Matt? Do you try to force yourself into uncomfortable social situations to work on improving your social skills or do you tend to avoid them as much as possible?

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2019 brings you all happiness and prosperity. Wishing you all a happy Mental health year. May this one be the best one yet for us all.

In response to the OP:

Depression, Bi-Polar, PTSD, addict. I have sunk into some pretty deep holes. Lucky I have a family that has my back and I have made massive progress from my younger years. I can, for the most part, hold down a job now. I have always been a strong/smart/fast worker/learner but my dark side always threatens to destroy any hope of longevity. It is best if I switch jobs every couple years. Gaming is my great escape and while I am not sure if it is the healthiest of activities for me, I can be consumed by it, it is healthier than drugs, violence and trauma.

I haven't done hard drugs for over 10 years and haven't 'really done them' for about 20 years but I still struggle with alcoholism. Most of my history with being abused and sexually assaulted has never really been dealt with. For the longest time my memories of much of it were all mixed up and partially fabricated ... it took a lot of introspection to be able to clearly recall the truth of much of my 'experiences'. To this day there are still many 'murky' or 'muddy' parts of my memory.

I still tend to lash out at times. I have severe ups and downs. This shit affects every aspect of my life but I have learned to live with it in a way.

When I talk about stuff like this it is mostly to get it off my chest but I am willing to converse with people about these subjects as long as I feel their intentions are not malicious.

I tend to not talk about these issues in 'real life' because I don't want this to serve as ammunition to be used against me.

Thanks! I posted on the old BSN forums since like ever since. I think there was a time they were Bioware and Black Isle forums (BG days) and then Bioware made their own exclusive forums with Neverwinter Nights. I am not googling just going by memory so I might be getting the time frame wrong. My point is I been around a bit but thanks for the welcome.